me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
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WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
My doctor had to put me on a new medication that’s supposed to help lower the amount of karate in my blood
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
cop: did u see the speed limit sign
me: of course
cop:
me: but not u
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Him: [sneezes]
Germs: ATTACK!
Her: bless you
Germs: RETREAT RETREAT
You’ve got two basic kinds of people — people who move towards weird sounds and people who move away from them.
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
“I asked Santa for a real duck.”
— My child, trying to break me 3 days before Christmas
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
If the US ever decides to change its currency from the dollar to the unmatched tupperware lid I’ll be a very wealthy man.
2024 is gonna be better i can feel it in my bones nope that’s the osteoporosis nvm 😭
I felt like I accidentally rolled my eyes at someone on the tube and they saw me, so I decided to start rolling my eyes a lot, pretending I had some sort of eye problem to try to explain/disguise the first accidental eye roll and they probably think I’m a maniac.
I’ve heard parents say they don’t enjoy playing with their kids but I play all kinds of fun games with mine like..
-who gets to microwave mommy’s coffee?
-whoever finds the remote first can watch a show after I do
-whoever fills mommy’s water gets to be my favorite for the day
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
A lot of people think my handle is my actual name but it isn’t. My real name is Rachel Onomatopoeia.
I illegally download music, but only Metallica.
They seem to be pretty cool about it.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car