me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
When serial killers can’t afford to travel, they take slaycations
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
Me: *pays $40 for tickets to the zoo*
Four-year-old: Look, a rock!
Husband: How was your day?
Me: We’re all mad here.
Husband: Ok… how were the kids today?
Me: Off with their heads!!!
Husband: Are you quoting Alice in Wonderland?
Me: It’s no use going back to yesterday, because I was a different person then.
Husband: I’m on my way home.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
Me: *disappointed* so an oral argument isn’t having make up sex after a row?
Lawyer:
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
I remember when a computer didn’t automatically connect to the internet, it used to make a screaming noise. We should have listened.
everyday is christmas if you’re a shopaholic with adult money
Mcdonald’s is the true nemesis of anyone trying to lose weight.
Their Arch enemy, you might say.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
him: I got a new tattoo
me: what is it
him (lifting his shirt): it’s a replica of my thermos from work
me (leaning in to feel it): does it hurt
him: don’t you dare touch the thermos tat
and that how I knew he would make an excellent dad
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Me: Remember when I rubbed you out?
Genie: Stop saying it like that.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
I’m my own worst enemy which is frustrating because I’d always hoped my worst enemy would have an eye patch.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Of course he’s going to get re-elected, because once you go Black…
Welcome to Pushovers Anonymous. Cool if we start with a reading?
“fine by me!”
“you bet!”
“sounds good!”
“NO”
Sir, please leave.
“NO”
Okay.
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading