@MarfSalvador

me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

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@Mr_Kapowski

*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*

“Wait just one damn minute”

– How horchata was born

@whisperedjoy

Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.

@SwoonTwang

I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.

@charliedelta7

I’m so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I’m going to instagram it first. Don’t be crazy

@summerofbenny

Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.

@dadopotamus

My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.

@Tmoney68

Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.

@KyleMcDowell86

Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats

@wesleybordelon

Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.