me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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If someone brought me coffee right now I would follow them around like an imprinted baby bird forever.
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
me: I wish I would have put on sunscreen
wife: I have some in my purse
me: naaaaahhhh
girls be like “can you get my lip gloss from my purse? just reach in & head left, take a right at the wallet then turn left til you pass 3 nutrigrain bars & take your next right then head straight & it should be there. if you’ve hit the 2007 target receipts you’ve gone too far”
S M O L
At a business meeting:
“How about SuperCupid?”
“No, expectations will be too high”
“GreatCupid?”
“Lower”
“Uhhh, OKCupid?”
“Brilliant”
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
I had to spread a lot of dirt and mulch today. You know that comedic pratfall where someone leans a rake against a wheelbarrow and then steps on the tines and they get a face full of rake handle? That’s a real thing.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
presidents day is just a holiday created by “Big President” to get us to buy more presidents
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
[talking to life insurance agent]
Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
A panic attack is hearing your teens laughing in another room at the same time you can’t find your phone.
[watching The Silence of the Lambs]
Me: Hear that?
Her: No
Me [trying to impress her, leaning in close]: That’s the lambs
A chameleon and a ninja walk into a bar.
Neither one can get the bartender’s attention.
If he has other girls who make him smile, be different and make him cry.
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid
I love hot cross buns. There should be more cakes inspired by the death penalty.
Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
Hansel: What if we get lost?
Gretel: We’ll just leave a trail of breadcrumbs to follow
Duck: Good idea
Hansel:
Gretel:
Duck: I mean quack
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Current anxiety level: kindergartner who can’t unbutton his pants
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time