me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

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*scientist finishes bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch cereal and begins drinking the milk*

“Wait just one damn minute”

– How horchata was born


Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.


I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.


I’m so hungry, I could eat this food without even instagraming it first. No, but seriously, I’m going to instagram it first. Don’t be crazy


Did a little math tonight. Need to do 3,527 hours of cardio to get down to my ideal weight by summer, and not consume any calories.


My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.


Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.


Step1) Buy 100 cans of tuna
Step2) Drain the cans into a bucket
Step3) Soak ur cloths in the tuna water
Step4) Go outside & get all the cats


Standing in the boys clothes section at Kohls waiting for my wife. I just realized I look creepy. Better move to the little girls section.