me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-

sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet

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I run up to the firefighter as he drags another charred body out of my burning home. “Did you see a zip disk labeled POEMS in there?”


[she comes home with a doggy bag]

Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*


Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week, and it makes me nervous.


Give a banana to your uninvited house guest. Hold another banana up to your ear. Only respond to questions asked thru the “banana phone”.


Somebody said “hey wanna eat this apple” and I said “no thanks I ate a PC for lunch”


if you have a bf/gf that is always looking through your texts just replace your phone with sending letters in the mail, if your partner opens the letters it’s a federal crime worth 5 years in prison, plus stamps are cheaper than an iphone

my boss: didn’t i fire you last week