Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad

So many idiots speed past my house that when someone is actually going the speed limit I take cover and assume it’s a drive-by.

Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work

When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.

It’s really hard to be stealthy while carrying half a box of Tic Tacs.

The more you know.

Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.

I’m sad because of all the money I’ve lost in the market recently but I’m also really excited to start replying with “IN THIS ECONOMY?!” anytime people ask me to do anything.

Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.

“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”

I just said that.

MOVIES: Ok, time for bed kiddo.
*child kisses parents and goes to bed

MY HOUSE: Time for bed.
*mixed martial acrobatics is now a sport

If you send me $100, I will send you an audio of me naked saying “Thanks”.

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

To be fair, “old-fashioned” doesn’t necessarily mean racist; it could also mean sexist.

In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.

Don’t call them paint “chips” if you don’t want me to snack on em.

Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

Don’t bite the hand that feeds you, But don’t bite any other hands either because that is how diseases are spread.

⚪️🟧🟢⚪️🟡
🟢⚪️⚪️🟡⚪️
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️🟢
🟧⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
⚪️🟢🟡⚪️🟧
🟡⚪️🟧⚪️⚪️
⚪️🟧⚪️🟡🟢
🟢⚪️🟡🟧⚪️
🟡⚪️⚪️🟢🟡
🟧🟢⚪️🟡🟢

not wordle, just some fried rice ☺️

ME: [practising my samurai sword moves in the mirror]

[ever so slightly later]

ME: [dying from massive blood loss]

*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!

Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.

Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.

it’s a van. how do they not know this

Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.

Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.

Me: It’s my guide dog.

Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…

We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER

Ryan Reynolds is my cousin

~ me flirting

~ also me lying

Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.

My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee