me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
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Called in, “I put the lime in the coconut and drank it all up.”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
The full name for hanky panky is handkerchief pandkerchief
“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
Microsoft Word just suggested that I change “you’re” to “you is” so yes, I am very very afraid of what the future of education holds.
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
my wife says nobody needs to buy cowboy hats for squirrels but I pointed out none of the squirrels have cowboy hats. It’s an untapped market.
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
Don’t talk down to me
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
date: I’ll have the chef’s salad
me: [trying to impress her] I’ll have the CEO’s salad
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.
dog owners: their name is buddy
cat owners: their name is cool ranch dorito
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
Husband: what’s on your mind babe
Me: that someone made up dinosaur sounds without actually hearing them
Husband:
Wifey: We should get a chest freezer.
Me: We don’t need a freezer that big.
Wifey: What if we need to hide bodies?
Me: I love you.
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.