ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
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If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
5: mummy I want to hug you forever *walks off to kitchen*
Me: I thought you wanted to hug me forever
5: yeah now I want cheese
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
Sorry you saw that piece of corn but I tried flushing five times and it just wouldn’t go down.
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
Sorry I wrote “harvest organs” on your chart when I visited you in the hospital.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”
Our lord and savoury.
When I’m dead, I’m going to haunt offices and say, “OooOoo… why are you using your mouse?… hit Control-C… you’re taking forever…”
Me at a wine tasting:
*swirls glass*
*sniffs*
*sips slowly*
*stares off into the distance*
…Ah, yes. This is in fact wine.
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
If I owned a Brazilian waxing joint, I’d call it Pubic’s Cube or The Razor’s Edge or Hedging Your Bets or Getting a Leg Up or Bush League or
[job interview]
Interviewer: are you familiar with microsoft word
Me: yes i’ve heard that word many times
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
I wish I could fall as gracefully as a winter coat slinking off the back of a chair.
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Rude much 😂😂😂
Been walking like an Egyptian and need to visit a Cairopractor.
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Not today, today.
Not today.
Once new outdoor seating is installed here it’s over for you benches!
When my tween pisses me off I like to blow off steam by taking my pet modem for a walk.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Wow 🤣
