Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[as a lawyer]

me: “permission to approach the bench, your honor”

judge: “granted”

me, whispering: “are you mad at me?”

The next person who says I’m using chopsticks incorrectly can cut this umbilical cord themselves

if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel

A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.

A sad text from my wife when we were dating was “I don’t feel good, I can’t make it tonight.”

A sad text from my wife today is “Don’t forget to pick up cauliflower rice on your way home.”

Pics or it didn’t happen… unless it’s your kid’s first day of school, then we’ll just take your word for it.

I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…

Needs to be a google maps setting where you can ask them not to make you take a left across four lanes of oncoming traffic

Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻‍♂️

I’m like a candle: I’m cute, I smell nice, and there’s a pretty good chance I’ll set your curtains on fire if left unattended.

[stands in church]
Geese be with you
[hands neighbor a beautiful goose]
And also w/you
[he hands me a different yet equally beautiful goose]

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

Cat is stressing him out.

I’m a GROWN MAN. I’m on my GROWN MAN SHIT. I am COLD and DISORIENTED cause I got out of the shower but I can’t dry off cause all my towels are in the WASHER.

Well, I was having a good day until my son opened up his backpack & handed me a fundraiser envelope.

4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.

Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?

4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.

“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”

~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.

My Cat Made Me Think She Didn’t Have Dinner Yet. I Never Thought I Could Fall For A Scam. My latest in The Cut.

i’m torn between getting my own personal jesus or getting a large jesus to share with the whole table

My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.

“Nothing suspicious about Jeffrey Epstein death” says medical examiner Eprey Jeffstein

First Date RED FLAGS:

He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on

Thank you, Internet.

Thank you.

I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged

*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*

I feel like it should be pretty obvious at this point that when I google “how long does [some food item] last” what I mean is “I am going to eat the food, please tell me how sick I should expect to get”

Whenever I tinker with the idea of a having a relationship, I go spend a night with my married friends.

*Opens twitter*

*Sees Polio is trending*

*Closes twitter*

We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done