Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Gonna open a store that sells old books and pasta and call it Barnes & Noodles.

Her: Did you know that there are fifteen different ways to say the word “whore” in Polish?

Me: What a beautiful language…

My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!

My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?

Your move, grandpa.

My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.

Me: Which game were you playing?

4: Lava Queen and Assistant!

Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?

4: How did you know, daddy?!

Daddy knows.

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

“playing devil’s advocate” should cause explosive diarrhea 1 out of every 5 times someone (your coworker) says it

I know I did a good job dressing my 3 year old when my wife doesn’t have to tell everyone she sees that I dressed her.

If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either

Really had myself thinking I was doing ok financially until I went shopping for a couch.

*extends arm for handshake*

Me: Hello, it’s nice to meet you

Friend: Sorry, but my dad is blind

Me: Oh…. HELLO, IT’S NICE TO MEET YOU

me: help! that guy stole my identity!
also me: no i didn’t

I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.

Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.

date: I like to try new foods

me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR

keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.

No, I wish my water bottle had MORE parts to disassemble and wash. Seven is not enough!

Me: “I’m so lonely.”
Microscopic organism: “Wow, I’m right here.”

Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…

It was the bathroom…but still…

“Doctor: Put the IV in.
Nurse: The 4 what?”
– chronic problem in Roman emergency rooms

Y’all I’m dead AF over this 😂😂😂😂😭😭😭☠️☠️☠️

My five year plan is a meteorite

I should’ve gotten my affairs in order before I decided to bite into this hot pepper.

Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers

me: Do you think Muhammad Ali tried different animals? Like, “Float like a duck, sting like a jellyfish”?
wife: Go to sleep

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep

[optometrist interrupts me] the bigger letters aren’t louder

ME: what’s wrong with my dog
VET: he appears perfectly healthy
ME: i give him a stick and he just stares at it
VET: …
ME: even if I go long, he refuses to throw it