ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
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I “accidentally” made a double batch of cookie dough and then somehow ran out of room in the freezer so I was forced to bake it all at which point I discovered that I have no available Tupperware so I had to eat 50 cookies.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
The world needs to chill out. There’s no way history teachers can cram all this bs into a semester
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
Me: I love it when I’m on top of his…
Friend: Sophie! There are kids here!
Me: Timeline. I was going to say timeline.
The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
Everyone hates the word moist until they eat a very dry muffin.
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
Sometimes, I like to establish dominance over my shorter friends by telling them we need to hurry, and then climbing up a staircase, two steps at a time.
Me: they said they are working on a vaccine and will be out with it soon.
Friend: Who did?
Me: Yep.
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
Candles never taste the way they smell
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
I’ve only been awake for an hour, but I’ve already been fooled 38 times.
The crappy spread on the sandwiches totally ruined the funeral reception I was at yesterday. I told them “I can’t bereave. It’s not butter”.
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
What if the alien abductions are all the same guy? The other grays hold a press conference and say “Oh, that’s just Kyle. He’s a jerk.”
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
My tween, who wanted money, told me I don’t look a day over 41. I’m 40.
I don’t simply want to kill a mosquito, I want to bite them back over and over to make them itch
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Never watch porn when you’re tripping. You’ll zero in on the sad eyes and start to see a kaleidoscope of missed dance recitals and pain.
Doctor: Alright, your gonna feel a little prick on your hand.
Me: If I feel a little prick on my hand somebody’s getting sued…
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me: