@scot7a

ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

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@ArfMeasures

Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun

Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!

@Rschooley

How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!

@1followernodad

Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.

@caliluvgirl77

I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.

@GG_Mikey

fidget spinners are whack, when I was in 8th grade we’d shove a spoonful of cinnamon down our throats and try to survive for fun

@XplodingUnicorn

Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.

@anerdonfire2

Fun fact:

Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.

@ImFordTough

Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor’s dog.