Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
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How dare Beyonce bring symbols of past racial strife into popular music performance!!
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
fidget spinners are whack, when I was in 8th grade we’d shove a spoonful of cinnamon down our throats and try to survive for fun
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
And we’re still calling it auto “correct” because….
Pretty awesome how you can buy chocolates on February 13th and everyone assumes you have a girlfriend & not a grudge w/ your neighbor’s dog.