ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…

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That annoying moment when the video starts with “Don’t try this at home” so you have to go next door smh


if u think men are tougher than women then u don’t realize that every day women all over are taking showers with the water temperature set to exploding sun and actually enjoying it


Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.


Have your tribal tattoo call my tramp stamp and let’s make beautiful, douchey babies together.


“Change is good,” I explain to my daughter as I carefully apply the same color lipstick I’ve been wearing since I was 15 years old.


Why are you so pissed?

You asked me what turns me on and all I said was you not talking…


A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…


Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.


BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]


Typical coworkers. They complain about management, but when it’s time to dispose of the boss’s body, they all pretend to be working.