Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

18: Thanks for the nuggets.

Me: I didn’t buy you nuggets.

18: Well 19 said she didn’t either, so how did the get in my room? Someone could have broken in.

Me: Yes and left you a 20 piece with ranch, that has been happening a lot on this street.

*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME

Mom: here comes the plane!

Baby: *seinfeld voice* what’s the DEAL with airplane food!?

tag yourself, i’m “man in green bird costume”

A Brit accepting a compliment:

“I like your coat”

“What? This old rag? Don’t be silly. It cost 2p. I’ve had it ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s a load of tat. Thank you, though!”

Coworker: you play any sports
Me: yeah but I’ve had to take a break from it
CW: oh..Injury?
Me: *thinks about broken controller* yeah..kinda

A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig

i wonder if americans realize just how much more insulting the phrase “room temperature IQ” is to those who use the metric system

I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot

Daddy Bear -“Someones been sleeping in my bed.”

Mummy Bear -“Wouldn’t be the first time.”

Daddy Bear -“It’s been 3 years Sue, let it go.”

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!

Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed

5: I neeeeeeed one!

Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]

5: not there! On my arm!

[Tracking an animal]

Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.

I like when a restaurant has cloth napkins, ’cause then I can unroll them with the calculated fervor of an assassin surveying his tools.

I had to quit jogging because I kept dropping my hotdog.

cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them

Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace

McDonald’s cashier: No

I had to bump up my 10am Rice Krispie treat to 9:30. It’s okay. I have a prescription.

Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang

My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.

Me: So, what did you bring home from preschool today?!?

3yo: *sneezes*

respect

Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

The older I get, the more sympathize with Squidward’s anger.

Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.

8-year-old: Who’s coming over?

Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.

8: But we already know we live like this.

Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions

Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:

1) Breakfast

2) Breakfurious

*slams a five on the counter*

“Bartender! Give me another!”

*bartender pours me another bowl of Cinnamon Toast Crunch*