ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?
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You’d think I was wanted for murder the way I react when someone knocks on my door..
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
I wonder if Houdini ever locked himself out of the house.
My boss just criticized me, saying that my writing is almost unintelligible and unbecoming a professional, but I don’t think it’s portmantotally malapropriate.
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
Trying to keep the riff raff away.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
My ex from highschool followed my new dog’s Instagram account and dm’ed her “I don’t like your mom” LMAO IM DYING
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
What element do criminals hate to see?
Copper
[returning toothpaste]
Yeahhh, this didn’t hold my husband’s teeth together at all.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
I’ll take your LEAST sexual soup.
Adam and Eve were the first people to agree to the Apple terms and conditions without reading them.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Doctor: I have good news and bad news
Me: What’s the good news?
Doctor: The good news is you’re alive. The bad news is you’re going to have to diet and exercise to stay that way
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
Kidnapper: We’ve kidnapped your son.
My dad: Please let me speak to him.
Kidnapper: He’s here.
My dad: You left the fan on, again.
Zombies started running in movies and life has been chaotic since
If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.