Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Every reddit relationship post is like “My husband dropped a big piano on my head and when I emerged from the rubble my teeth had been replaced by the keys. Am I in the wrong?”

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.

Bite me.

*kids running down the stairs*

DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”

ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!

MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal

[later]

ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks

Man next to to me just said into his phone “You caught me in the middle of a sandwich.” He’s lying. He is not in a sandwich.

My wife asked if I wanted to go to a pig roast this summer but I’ve been fat shamed enough already this year.

Meghan Markle: breathes

Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.

[bank]

Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”

Teller: “Checking or…”

Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”

Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”

Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.

Me : Flow away, I’m busy.

Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?

we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park

When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”

Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar

Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.

I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”

One of the most effective forms of birth control is assembling furniture together as a couple.

When in doubt, just do the opposite of whatever the person wearing pajamas in public is doing.

dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.

I don’t like papier-mâché because it exposes children to both glue and French.

Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*

Him: how was your day, babe?

Lesson learned: toddlers don’t understand sarcasm. As a side note, don’t say ‘bite me’ around toddlers that don’t understand sarcasm

Them: You’ll sleep when you’re dead.

Me: I’ll go ahead and take an advance, if it’s all the same.

I went to a baby group yesterday where the babies had to ‘pick’ toy vegetables and the v enthusiastic group leader said ‘everyone grab an aubergine’ and I said ‘that’s how we got into this mess in the first place, amiright?’ and literally nobody laughed

I miss being able to study with complete focus for hours. Now I read one sentence and check my phone to see if penguins have legs or just feet

Police Sketch Artist: How about now?
Me: Look I already told you, the fruit bowl is nice for perspective, but I wasn’t mugged by a naked guy

Me: Well, today sucked.

Him: It’s 9 AM.

That awkward sexual tension when everyone leaves the kitchen and you’re left all alone with a chocolate cake.

When a leg cramp sneaks up on you, that is a Trojan Charley horse

When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.