Spent the entire day milking a single almond.
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
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I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts
me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass
BODY: i’m exhausted
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name
ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!
METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?
Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles