My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.
*adds gourmet chef to resume
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
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I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food
He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that
Me: *breaks down door
Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?
M: HOME INVASION!
W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?
ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’
*priest slowly backs away*
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.