@ThugRaccoons

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

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@birbigs

Spent the entire day milking a single almond.

@BatBatshitcrazy

I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler

@Home_Halfway

{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?

@Shen_the_Bird

therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok

[later]

me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass

@matt___nelson

BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BODY:
BRAIN: can almost say his own name

@BellPupper

ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?

@human_not_bees

Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.

@johnbiehl

Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.

@House_Feminist

are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men

@IvoryGazelle

goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles