@ThugRaccoons

Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

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@inmyimage007

My picky niece just complimented me on my deviled eggs.

*adds gourmet chef to resume

@InternetHippo

I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.

@fuzzlime

I’m one of the 128 people on earth who doesn’t have a facebook so when the robots take over don’t even try to come to my off-grid-bunker for freeze-dried food

@Snarfernini

He: How are you?
Me: Thanks, but I’m too old for you
He: I was going to ask about your wireless prov…
Me: Just keep telling yourself that

@jergarl

Me: *breaks down door

Wife: WTF ARE YOU DOING?

M: HOME INVASION!

W: OMG stop breaking our house when you want sex.

M: Soooooo

W: No

@junejuly12

My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.

@dafloydsta

PRIEST: Does anyone know why these two should not be married?

ME: *from back* SHE PRONOUNCES IT ‘SUPPOSABLY’

*priest slowly backs away*

@Daveastated

Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!

Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?

@SCbchbum

Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”

@WheelTod

This may be not be a mainstream opinion, but I don’t believe you should cut down a Christmas tree unless you intend on eating it.