Me: My first wife loved this movie.

Wife: I AM your first wife!

Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?

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Spent the entire day milking a single almond.


I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight

~ refills 32 oz tumbler


ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-


therapist: one way to handle criticism is by trying to engage in a healthy dialogue to understand their thoughts

me: ok


me: [over the loud laughter of teens] and why exactly am i a poop ass


BODY: i’m exhausted
BRAIN: neat
BODY: let’s sleep
BRAIN: nah
BODY: c’mon
BRAIN: a dog named Ralph
BRAIN: can almost say his own name


ME: hey I’m just in time to watch the meteor shower!

METEOR: um, how about a little privacy?


Lovingly painting a Hitler moustache on my mother with a Sharpie so she’ll only go out if it’s absolutely necessary.


Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.


are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men


goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles