Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?

Me: So when a man and a woman…

When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.

first wiseman: i brought you gold

second wiseman: i brought you frankincense

third wiseman: i brought you myrrh

fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself

mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down

We didn’t need tutors when I was a kid, we just cheated

Salesman: This model corners really well

Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*

Trying to fill my partner in on the latest Magic bannings

If you wanna go and take a ride with me with three women in the floor with the goat cheese.

My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?

My 8yo just asked my permission to say “shit” to express his anger, so don’t tell me I’m not raising a polite kid.

Me: did you find the problem?

Plumber: toilet goblin.

Me: a what?

Plumber: *welding the seat lid closed* toilet. goblin.

This kid was such a psycho, I told him his food was an airplane and he willingly ate it not questioning all the living passengers aboard.

Lady in packed doc office waiting room: This whole county has flu or pneumonia. It’s crazy. My office has 30 people, 14 are out with the flu

Me: *quietly moves to opposite side of waiting room*

I saw an identical tweet of my joke! It was posted months before mine, so he’s worse than a tweet thief; he’s a time-travelling tweet thief!

doctor: there are two wolves inside of you

me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?

doctor: won’t we all, someday?

me: shouldn’t you know?

doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend

[date]

me: so if u could change any part of your body what would it be?

her: *laughing* I guess my ankles. what about you?

me: well, u know the bit behind the knees?

*awkward silence*

me: *leans in closer* I’d love em to be as hairy as armpits

Mobster: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes

Lobster: that’s not the threat you think it is, Tony

if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps

toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that

I always feel ripped off when someone asks if they can “sneak by you”, but then you say yes and they just walk by and aren’t sneaky at all.

Grandpa

when i say im saving myself for marriage what i mean is you won’t know how annoying i am until it’s too late

Husband: *snoring*

It’s like he’s trying to tell me something

*snoring*

What is it boy?

*snoring intensifies*

Timmy’s stuck in a well?

They’re called violin bows not fiddle sticks.

5 told me they read Pinocchio at school and that Pinocchio’s nose got big if he lied, then she looked at me and said “wow mummy you must have lied a lot”

Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.

Some of my friends exercise every day, meanwhile I’m watching a show I don’t like because the remote fell on the floor.

My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again