Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
my mom treats her air pods like they’re disposable. buys a few a month. she says they would be easier to not lose if they had….a cord
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
[getting kidnapped] grab my heating pad too pls
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Thrilling chase underway
“Are you mad at me?”
No. Why? Should I be?? Did you do something??? WHAT DID YOU DO????
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
I really hope my house is haunted and not in need of structural repairs
Dads mark their territory by sneezing loudly.
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”
No matter how many times he was killed by their products, Wile E Coyote remained loyal to the ACME brand. You’ve gotta respect that.
My wife is having hot flashes today which explains why the air conditioning is set to below freezing and there are several penguins in my living room.
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
i think i understand why rhinos are going extinct
i am at my thanksgiving table observing personality disorders that have not been identified yet
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
My dream car is a taco truck.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”