Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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Why do people say they tried calling me? No, you did, in fact, succeed in calling. I just didn’t answer.
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
I feel seen.
blocked him on everything and he shared a google doc with me😭
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I am dressed in all grey and a man also dressed in all grey just stared at me and for a second I got very nervous that he thought I was him
i need one of those jobs they have in sitcoms where it pays my rent but interferes with exactly zero of my social plans or situations
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
If I was hanging off a cliff for my life and you told me to take your hand I would stop screaming to tell you I’m afraid of intimacy
Wanted:
Someone to chew my food and feed me like a baby bird. No weirdos.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
CLEVELAND: We want a championship.
DEVIL: ok, but you’ll have to host the Republicans.
CLE: …Fine.
DEVIL: Trump’s the guy.
CLE: We want 2.
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
Today a man told me I’m “too pretty to work so hard” so I’ve let my boss know & fingers crossed we can all get on the same page here.
Needed one cotton ball. Two were left. Took both so one wouldn’t feel lonely.
I also have strong feelings about the last two pudding cups.
twitter getting rid of the 140-character limit is a bad idea. the ability to say what you need to say in as few words as possible is (1/533)
Don’t forget to donate blood today to make room for more food
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
