Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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Another interpretation of pavlov’s experiment is his dog trained him to ring a little bell before serving him dinner.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Shout out to politicians for keeping the word “folks” alive.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Texting you back right away doesn’t make me a psycho.
What makes me a pyscho is watching you through your window while petting your cat.
Every haunted house movie:
Winter sex: “Let’s do this”. *slowly takes off all three pairs of rugby socks, wipes nose, continues to take off more socks*
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
*Sees a bum eating out of the trash*
That’s so disgusting. I don’t know how they do that.
*pulls turkey leg out of my hair & takes a bite*
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Sex in the snow is wintercourse.
HAMMOND: and then I extract the dinosaur blood from the mosquitoes
DR. GRANT: are you gonna use it to clone them?
HAMMOND: *takes sip from trex blood smoothie* use it to what?
FAMILY REUNION ORGANIZER: Thanks again for coming, it means a lot to us all.
FRANKENSTEIN’S MONSTER: I’m sorry I gotta run, but I have like 3 more of these just this week.
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My parents are cruel. They used to give me pocket money but would also buy me clothes with no pockets.
not sure how I feel about the depiction of albert einstein in oppenheimer. he’s not even sticking out his tongue
If you all vote for Kanye, I’m packing up Canada and moving it to Australia.
Im at the swamp does anyone need anything
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
Just went outside for 10 mins and the mosquitoes treated me like I was fresh eggs at a continental breakfast
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[me as a passenger on the titanic]
oh ewww are there olives in this salad? YOU be quiet lillian, i swear this trip cannot possibly get worse
Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
[in bed]
ME: [turning off table lamp] I’ve finally finished my book
WIFE: What happened in the end?
ME: I saw his stripy shirt behind a tree
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72