Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I just took my car ibuprofen into the house and I can hear future me cussing so loud.
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
I’m old, but I’m not against new music. Have you guys heard of The Police? They’re awesome
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
if i’m “mama” and you “just killed a man” i’m sorry but i’m not letting you finish your song we’ve got a body to hide, son
Me: *wakes up with a jolt, sweating*
Her: omg are you ok??
Me: BABY SPICE WASN’T A BABY SO THAT MEANS SPORTY PROBABLY WASN’T ATHLETIC AT ALL
I won’t say I neglect my appearance but I will say I just shaved my legs at my desk after wearing a skirt to work.
ATMs should have breathalyzers
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
God: you’re a mosquito.
Mosquito: what does that mean?
God: you feed on blood.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire?
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: you can fly.
Mosquito: i’m a vampire!
God: no.
Mosquito: oh.
God: garlic repels you.
Mosquito: [happy gasp] i’m an itty-bitty vampire!
Facebook game requests are like the Jehovah’s Witnesses of the internet. No matter how much you say no thank you, they just keep showing up.
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
I’m up at 5 am, knocking things off my to do list before half of you are even awake. Get on my level
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
A toaster is the ultimate bath bomb
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
You think you found a parking spot and then boom. Kia damn Soul.
if you ever want to witness an Oscar worthy performance, ask any person from twitter their follower count and watch them pretend to not know
I act all mature and parental until there is only one popsicle left.
[phone sex]
GF: Tell me you want me
ME: I want you badly
GF: How badly?
ME: I want you [checking thesaurus in a panic] haphazardly