Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
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“bill gates wants to microchip me” u are not interesting enough to be microchipped paul no one cares that u go to bass pro shop 8 times a week
There’s only one way we’ll at least occasionally get normal elected officials and that’s if we pick them by random lottery
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Detective: The robber broke into the Popeye’s but didn’t take any money, in fact no one has seen him leave.
Me *disguised as a cop*: Weird, right? We should put the fried chicken and red beans and rice in my Corolla for protective custody.
I’m worried that I encouraged my kids to marry someone for their character and intellect and now I’m gonna end up with nerd grandkids.
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s your ice pack.
A little poetry never killed anybody. But haiku keeps trying.
Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.
I’m hungry – like I could eat a hot fudge sundae. Ok – I’m driving to the supermarket. Because I’m a motivated doer.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
“WHAT DO WE WANT”
“VAGUENESS AND IMPATIENCE”
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT”
“SOMETIME SOON”
People on dating apps always say they’re looking for a “partner in crime”, but when you try to organise a cock fighting tournament in their living room they suddenly “need to check with their landlord”. I already bought the roosters.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: *watching the driver of the hearse in front of us jump out, race to the back, open the door, peek in, and slam it shut* Well that’s disconcerting.
Son: Nah, it would be disconcerting if he ran away from the hearse.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Me: Ooh… This is a Kodak moment!
Son: A what?
Me: I want to get a Polaroid.
Son: A what?
Me: You sound like a broken record!
Son: A WHAT?
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
*eats tiny amount of kale*
I AM INVINCIBLE WHO WANTS TO ARM WRESTLE