Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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When I was little my folks would take me to Kmart and I’d walk off straight to security and tell them my mom was lost and get a lollipop.
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
In order to save money I installed a sound chip into my wallet. Now when it opens it plays a song by Creed so I quickly have to close it.
team rocket: that boy’s pikachu is special
meowth: hey
team rocket: we need it
meowth: im literally the only pokemon who can talk
team rocket: that pikachu is so unique no other pokemon will do
Meowth: guys
team rocket: only that pikachu is deserving of love
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
As I sit in this coffee shop practicing for my Sign Language final it occurs to me, all of these people probably think that I’m talking to myself.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
Everyone is a genius until they try to use someone else’s microwave.
My husband brought home one happy meal for two kids.
Frankly things would have been less dramatic if he’d brought home a girlfriend.
if you’re ever worried there’s an intruder in your house, shout 69 down the stairs. if no one laughs, there’s no one there
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
*corporate state run media carnival*
Step right up folks, take your bait!
How low can we go, how low can we go? New lows every day!
friend: you’ve been watching the tv for 8 hours
me: yeah so
friend: maybe u should turn it on
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
My friend likes going out.Recently he went out of his mind.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
This sounds bad:
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Damn boy, are you my yoga class? Because I want to get hot and sweaty with you in 37 different poses and then not be able to walk tomorrow.
[team tryouts]
Coach: You really knocked that one out of the park.
Jimmy: Thanks Coach!
Coach: This is tennis.
Diarrhea awareness week starts today. Runs through Sunday.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
I try and avoid picking up turtles on the side of the road. Just in case they’re in the middle of a race.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
Hot Panini is in big trouble
Look, woman, I’ll do laundry when I’m out of clean clothes. *puts on skirt* I didn’t say whose clothes.