Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
I’ve been experiencing nonstop targeted ads for Spanx, and Skims, and various other types of girdles, so which AI engineer woke up and chose violence today?
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
I used to hate the “Kids on Board” stickers for cars. I now understand they are warning us they will be driving erratically because…you know…KIDS ON BOARD!
True Crime Show Narrator: Anytime you have multiple people wanting to be with and love one girl you’re going to have conflict.
Me: *sitting on the couch just covered in crumbs* Don’t I know it!
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
I’m surprised to learn very few people wash their undies in the kitchen sink
Anyhow HR wants to have another “chat”
It’s funny how fast small children lose interest in what you have to say when they find out you’re a paleontologist who isn’t an expert in dinosaurs. I’m showing you a mammoth arm bone, I don’t know what more you want from me!
🙅🏻
The last 3 minutes of any podcast could all be confessions to murder and we’d never know
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
Happy Earth Day. You don’t look a day over 4,400,000,000 and get hotter every year.
Looking for a pet that is friendly, loyal, fun and, in the eventuality of an apocalypse, tasty.
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
I’ve waited and prepared my whole life for an end of the world scenario
[gets killed and eaten in the first 10 minutes]
Overindulged this afternoon.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
[guy who just got out of prison on a technicality]
“what were you in for?”
murder, a guy… a guy…
“spit it out man”
a guy, interrupted me
Husband: My mom will be over in 30 minutes.
Me: *immediately starts cleaning the kitchen*
Husband: *immediately starts cleaning the one closet nobody goes in*
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.