Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
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Before I go out binge drinking I always eat a stick of butter. It doesn’t do anything I just make really poor life choices.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
if you have dark hair you literally can’t get a bob and not look like lord farquaad from shrek. it’s impossible ive tried it so many times.
IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE, NOT CHRISTMAS STEVE!!
I start, but can rarely complete my paintings and sculptures, for I am a master of the partial arts.
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Rock Singer: I SAID, YOU READY TO HAVE A GOOD TIME? I CAN’T HEAR YOU!
Me: DO YOU UNDERSTAND THAT WE DON’T HAVE MICROPHONES ON THIS SIDE?!
I was never cast in grade school plays because I refused to do nude scenes.
Me: I’m shy
Tequila: Not anymore
I think I read my job description wrong because the senior analyst didn’t appreciate this comprehensive report on my coworkers lunch routines
Instead of taking melatonin just pay me to come to your home each night and I’ll tell you about my accounting job
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
Sorry I didn’t make mashed potatoes. The potato masher was stopping me from opening the drawer.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
why are self checkouts ever closed? am I on break?
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
It’s always humbling when the dinner I had delivered comes with 2 sets of cutlery
Walked in for bread, walked out with 6 bottles of wine. Now we’re having communion for dinner.
My birthstone is a sushi roll.
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
ME: [riding a horse on a carousel] weeeeee!
AIRLINE SECURITY: [into radio] god dammit, he’s back and he brought a horse with him this time
She was attractive, like poultry on a commemorative stamp.
me: today I made asphalt, mixed paint and got zoning approval
date: that seems like a lot
me: parking garage actually
date: what
me: what