Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend invited us to a party at her country club and for some reason I assumed was a pool party so my whole family showed up in bathing suits and guess what it was NOT a pool party but it was a fancy country club party where everyone was dressed up

Didn’t sleep much but I got a few solid hours of worrying done.

The sales guy kept pushing, though I’d already said “No”, many times. So I shouted, “Non!” “Net!” “Nein!”

But he wouldn’t take No foreign answer.

[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No

[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.

to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it

“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook

I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.

Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.

you know covid done screwed everything up when you get into a car accident with a small plane.. you don’t even panic you guys just exchange insurance information.

Therapist: and what do we say when your coworkers start to annoy you?

Me: if I see you outside I’m going to run you over.

Therapist: what? No.

The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.

I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.

Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs

Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:

1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?

Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.

Roses are red
Violets are lovely
The fastest way to anyone’s heart
Is a left lateral thoracotomy

#medicalvalentine

Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

Interviewer: Why did you apply for this job?

Me: Because being broke and homeless didn’t really call out to me.

How do you restore your body back to ‘factory settings’?

Is it kale? it’s kale, isn’t it? please don’t say kale.

Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.

(Outside at dusk)

Wife: Lovely evening.

Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.

Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor

They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler

[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”

Me: you feel like doing something?

Her: sure, I have a few hours to kill

Me: maybe after the killing then

You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.