me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
Got banned from all the chemists in my town for calling them pharmas markets.
We’ve got two options: clean and vacuum, or stop wearing our glasses around the house.
A gentle reminder that all your panic buying will be going out of date soon. Enjoy your 36 egg omelette, you fat wankers.
how to exercise your calf muscles
Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
Just saw that tonight is the 8th annual final concert ever for KISS.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I’d use my best pan on you.
HR has told me to stop saying ‘how stupid can you be?’ to members of staff. They’re worried it’s being taken as a challenge.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?
Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.
Hub: because they were stuck together?
Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
dispatch, i’m on scene here in the woods. victims name is fudd. damnedest thing i ever seen. his rifle’s bent so the barrel was pointin back at him. witness said a rabbit run off right after the shot. yeah his head is off at the shoulders, clean. get me next of kin if ya can.
People who put jam AND marmalade on toast are polyjamorous.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
When my in-laws kindly told me to treat them as if they were my own family I graciously obliged.
I don’t speak to my own family either.
So annoying when I go to Target for toilet paper and leave with 10 packs of Oreos, 8 lbs of Halloween candy, the state of New Hampshire, and bobby pins.
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
Just ordered Dominos while at Dominos because I need a ride home.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
This train was so long I had time to file my nails and my taxes.
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
if you’re a public defender named mario you have the chance to do the funniest thing ever
5yo [pulling a baby hat out of a drawer]: Why do we have this? Is this for when we have more babies?
Me: Ye-
Husband: NO MORE BABIES.
If the zombie apocalypse happens we’re double screwed because at least 70 million are on record as having no brain
I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.
10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”