me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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Today I ate vegetable lasagna… I don’t wanna talk about it.
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
I’ve licked my tip many times and sometimes it leaves a blue, red and sometimes green mark on my tongue, I mean we’ve all had those multicoloured pens before……
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
I’m like a fuckin’ origami expert when I’m down to the last sheet of toilet paper.
The headline “WORLD’S OLDEST PERSON DIES” could also be “WORLD HAS NEW OLDEST PERSON”.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
[dropping kids off at school]
ME: Ok, learn a lot today
KIDS: But school doesn’t start for another week
ME: *speeding off* GOOD LUCK
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Asking my friends for advice then turning around and asking the internet when I don’t like their answer.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
Sent out a mass text invite to my pity party & Autocorrect turned it into a pita party. Now I’m eating hummus with people I don’t even like.
Today’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Tomorrow’s Forecast: Room Temperature
Long-Term Forecast: Room Temperature
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
My father will accept 10 ripe avocados in exchange for my hand in marriage.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
After someone threw milkshake at a politician today, people are saying it could have been a bomb, which is crazy because why would you throw milkshake at a bomb?
A “clear memory” button, but for my brain.
And while we’re at it, a “delete cookies” button, but for my thighs.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
The guy with the worst grades should get to give a graduation speech too. Let me hear both sides
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
My friend is addicted to interventions and I don’t know how to help him.
Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.