me: my friend died in her sleep 🙁
my grandpa: back in my day we walked uphill 10 miles before we died
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Y’all say redheads eat souls like it’s a bad thing, but I’m telling you, this diet is really going to pay off come swimsuit season.
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
Shoe Salesman: (taking measurements) looks like a size 10 would be a perfect fit
Ronald McDonald: I said (clenching teeth) bring me a size 44
I’ve started using “good gravy” around the house as an exclamation, and guys, it’s going great.
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
My daughter plays recorder now and practices every single day, so yes, I believe in karma. I’m not even sure what I did, but I believe in it.
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
[at heaven’s gate]
God: Tell me why I should let u in
Me: I’ve never made anyone look at my baby’s ultrasound pic
God: You can have my bed
You fuckers don’t deserve a new year, look at the mess you made of the last one.
I like to say thank you to my server when he arrives with the water, then again while he’s pouring the water, then another time when he hands me the glass full of water, and then one final time when he’s walking away
I have many questions and they all start with what the heck.
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
A fun thing to do when someone shows you a picture of their new baby is to look confused and just say “I don’t get it?”
sorry I’m late, my dog was sleeping in the shape of a donut and I had to take 175 photos
just saw the barbie movie and it’s fantastic! i won’t give away the entire ending, but she does kill osama bin laden.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs