Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.

HIM: tell me your wildest fantasy
ME: i’m on wheel of fortune and i spin it so hard it lights on fire
HIM: i meant like-
ME: everyone claps

Those three magic words,
-You can have my taco.

Ps. Shut it, maths police.

Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.

Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.

“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney

“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done

Why are bridges so flammable.

Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”

*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*

Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!

I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.

angel: when was he resurrected

god: Sunday?

angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing

god: it was like early-mid April

angel: ok-

god: could’ve been March tho

angel:

god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit

angel: bruh

A chia pet tampon so you can have a lil sheep for your troubles.

“Open face” is both a good type of sandwich and also how you eat them

*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama

Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.

If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems

The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.

Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.

FRIEND: Jack is sleeping, what should we do to him?

TYLER: Shaving cream.

MARK: Shaving cream.

ME: Pay off his student loans.

[they all look at me]

ME: I mean shave him.

Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.

4-year-old: Dad?

Me: What? I’m trying to sleep.

4:

Me:

4: What’s the phone number for the firefighters?

Now I’m awake.

[one tweet gets 10 likes]

me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.

Ladies, if he:

-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tides

That’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.

If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand

You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.

Son: [excited] dad, I just signed up for a triathlon

Dad: [sighing, doesn’t look up from newspaper] well let me know when you sign up for a winathlon

I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.

I’ve discovered that books are not donuts.

If you make a donut & someone buys it & likes it, they may buy another donut tomorrow.

If you write a book & someone buys it & likes it, they will not buy another copy the next day.

This is the flaw of books or the advantage of donuts

son: is this microwave friendly?

me: [patting microwave] yes he is