Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
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That photo you’ve seen of me pushing children down to get in line 1st at the Pizza Hut buffet is most likely AI generated.
*takes enough Xanax for an army* I have a killer headache
CW: *hands me 5 Advil*
Woah there brother I’m not about to OD here, 2 will do
Packed Wakanda Forever audience cheering “ELAINE! ELAINE! ELAINE!” every time Julia Louis-Dreyfus shows up
when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Handing out plastic easter eggs filled with baked beans for halloween this year.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
Them: hey wanna go to the movies later?
Me: sure what time?
Them: 8:30
Me: *laughs in over 40*
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Do these panties around my ankles make my eyes sparkle?
If you’re having a bad day , just remember …
All of you are funnier than Dane Cook .
Prometheus? I never even heard of Amaturemetheus.
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
ok i’ll bite.. what is Britain
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
[guy next to me at urinal]
“Is that a 5 or 6?”
…about 5-1/2 I guess.
“Really? (looks at iPhone on my hip) Can I see it?”
*zips up* No.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
WTF IS AN ACRONYM
who called it a motorhome and not a casa roll
A short story about romance.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
You would be amazed how cheap lawn mowers are at Home Depot when you own a pickup truck and a orange apron.
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …