Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
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I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??
Imguana see myself out
I’ve reached the age where I meet a person I would consider “older” and then find out they’re the same age as me.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
Nothing is better than working out to 80s music. Except listening to 80s music without working out.
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
[1st day as criminal sketch artist]
Victim: He was blonde had blue eyes, he was about 6ft t….
Me: I’m gonna need a longer sheet of paper
Pretty metal of Betty White to trend every time someone else dies.
Examine the shadows around my eyes. They speak of loss, of longing, of doom.
Also, I buy mascara at the dollar store.
“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
me: did you hear about the letters “N” and “A”?
him: no
me: they were a-salt-ed
him:
me: a-SALT-
him: leave
Once nice thing about working from home? I can be asleep in bed, realize I have a meeting in three minutes, and be dressed and in front of my computer two and a half minutes later. Still drunk, mind you, but dressed.
So proud of myself…6 whole months without smoking! Today I was able to ride the elevator all the way to the top without getting winded.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
Say what you will about Kylo Ren, but you have to appreciate his Han die coordination.
assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
Therapist: so you pop pills all-day, eat random fruit you find on the ground, and see ghosts?
Pac-Man: *deep breath*
[No sports whatsoever: Day 3]
*cheers loudly for the leaf that blew across the yard faster than the other leaves*
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
*gains winter weight for “insulation”
*is now fat and cold
The last time I did my happy dance I got pepper-sprayed.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
I’d be fine with a ghost living with me if each time a bloody message appeared it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?
The evolutionary process has created crabs five independent times throughout the course of history. Humans are not the pinnacle of evolution. Evolution wants crabs.
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?