Oh great. I forgot to pack an apple in my lunch and now there’s doctors EVERYWHERE.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
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COP: Anything you say can and will be used against you–
ME: Handcuff keys
COP (to his partner): Damn, this guy’s good
Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ??
Driving isn’t about making the moves you want, it’s about preventing others from making the moves they want.
supermarketes become so much more terrifying if you find a product with the word ‘instant’ and replaec it with ‘sudden’
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
i- i did not expect this
BEAR: You tryna fight, bro?
SHARK: Just name a place
BEAR: Parking lot. 4 o’ clock. Come alone
SHARK: Like…like an underwater parking lot?
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?