Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My husband refused to go to Target with me, so I took the tv remote with me instead.

This dad at the mall is confidently pushing an empty stroller like “I’ve got this” and there’s a toddler 20 feet behind trying to catch up

Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.

ME: Behold! I’ve invented the ultimate truth serum!

WIFE: I never loved you

ME: Wait, no, you’re supposed to drink it first

friend: I have cancer
me: (remembering that laughter is the best medicine) lol

Resigned to my own fate, but also really hoping that fate includes Snickers bars and an 8th season of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.

Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?

My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.

A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.

Me: *throws banana peel onto the ground*

Wife: what are you doing?!

Me: what? They’re biodegradable

Wife: *picks peel off the bedroom floor*

[Being a public nuisance, drinking from a paper bag]
[Cop approaches, grabs bottle]
[It’s 40 oz of Yoohoo]
Cop: where did you even get this

my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents

Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.

Boyfriend just put “fresh ginger” on the shopping list.

I’m not even 30 and he’s already replacing me. 🙁

ME: Not gonna make it in today. I hurt my updog.
BOSS: What’s updog?
ME: Nothing much, prolly just gonna take a nap.

[driving behind a van with a “watch for motorcycles” sticker]

Me [leans over to wife]: Haha what kind of idiot would take that trade

Why do *I* gotta dress for success? Maybe success could be the one who puts a little more into this relationship

Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it

If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.

Lance Armstrong should be applauded for being able to ride a bike so well on drugs. I tried it once. Hit a dog and fell into the canal.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

kid: I feel funny, mom

mom: that’s why we’re sending you to clown school

Sex is a lot like Twin Peaks: I’m not 100% sure what’s going on, but I like it.

It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.

I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!

My roommate is looking for a summer subletter and a dad responded on his nineteen year old son’s behalf.

He described his son as “very mature”.

Sir, if you are figuring out your adult son’s roommate situation for him, he is not “very mature”.

I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.

Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.

approaching the 7-year anniversary of putting my stem cells in my dad’s bones and growing my bone marrow there thus killing his cancer and giving me years of “he’s a lesbian in his bones” jokes

Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish