me: my friends:
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I’m missing the VMAs. Who’s losing? Is it music?
*strips naked*
“Magic mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?”
Cops: he knows we can see him from this side, right?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Gotye is just somebody that we used to know.
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
My neck my back my allergy attack
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Heard someone say their charcuterie house looks too good to eat and I don’t think they know how cheese works.
If she ever says: What did you just say!? I recommend an immediate heart attack and let the paramedics carry you out of the room.
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other
Me: What does venison taste like?
Food Connoisseur: It’s similar to beef but more gamey.
[Later]
Me: *sees a cow playing Fortnite* V…venison?
Dad: listen to me son: don’t ever let anyone tell you what to do
Son: okay
Dad: *slams fist* WHAT DID I JUST SAY
How about we constantly commit crimes against each other, but you know, also like, buy lots of each other’s goods?
~ all countries
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
When you think about it, ‘I’ll pray for you’ is essentially saying ‘I’ll talk to myself about your problem’. Good luck!
Who called it an undertaker and not a host mortem?
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
HER [sits seductively on my lap] The more you tip…the more I’ll take off
ME [reaches for wallet] This is such a weird way to cut hair
If an astronaut goes really fast they’re a fastronaut
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.