me: my friends:
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Shiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiit, probably
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
ME: long time no see! I heard you’re a doctor
FRIEND: I am. what do you do now?
ME: [glances down at open twitter app] I’m a writer
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
Are you a guest? No, you aren’t. You live here. *takes away napkin and hands you a paper towel*
People on this site love to complain that there are no good billionaires, but there’s a simple solution: if every one of my followers gives me $3500 I will become the one good billionaire
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
I may not be perfect, but at least my cat loves m—oh he’s just hungry nvm
IT: So you were hacked? What’s your login?
Me: KENNY…and my password is….
IT: FOOTLOOSE
Me: Wow…How did you know?
IT:
Ok in The Quiet Place why do these characters so underutilize the ol “throw a rock over there” trick
A little boy looked at my tie the other day and told me that he really liked my leash.
I hope to stop crying soon.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
@IGotsSmarts @funTweeters & wouldn’t it be crude to Jude if someone laid Law?
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
packed all my meds into one bottle for a trip and accidentally invented the best trail mix
Let’s walk barefoot on grass!
-People who have never walked a dog
Yes, sex is great but have you ever told someone “i told you so”.
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.