Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t know who’s worse, the people who sign their cats’ names on Christmas cards, or the cats who refuse to sign.

Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear

“I have to eat every 7 minutes or I get cranky.”

“Ma’am, that’s not a valid reason to be excused from jury duty.”

Hear me out: A sensor on the back of your car that detects a tailgater and shines a blinding light in their stupid lil eyeballs.

[being strapped to a medieval torture table]

“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”

Received this car text from my wife, and I quote: “Hey Siri text I am on my way mommy mommy mommy HOLD ON!”

me: *gets something in my eye*

brain: put your finger in there too

Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills

Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills

Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired

Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go

Interviewer: dammit

If anyone needs like five things 25% done and no things 100% done, just let me know.

Wife: Honey, you may not be the sharpest tool in the shed, but you are adorable

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: …when did we get a shed?

My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you

She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick

Them: what’s your favorite foreign film?

Me: oh definitely Star Wars

Them: ……

Me: it took place in a galaxy far, far away

Me: it’s also my favorite historical film

Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.

I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.

I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.

I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.

I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.

Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%

me: do you take walk-ins

morgue: what

How often were people sneezing into salad bars before they invented the sneeze guard?

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.

*puts you on pedestal*

*vacuums where you were standing*

*takes you off pedestal*

This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”

“daddy, the sun has disappeared!!”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson arrives on a Segway]
“listen here you little shit”

No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.

So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”

Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.

Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already

*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*

I could look like Margot Robbie if I was younger, taller, and had a whole different face.

Some of us better hope Santa doesn’t check Twitter because if he does all we’re getting for Christmas is therapy.

If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.