me: my girlfriend’s a model
him: oh yeah what kind?
me: papier-mâché
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Who called it a deep freeze instead of ice-o-lation?
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
“I’m so sorry”, I go around whispering to people who’ve just woken up from a coma.
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.
No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything
Hockey would be better if the players had to write a short essay about what they did wrong before they could leave the penalty box.
Salsa counts as a serving of vegetables, right?
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
they advertised mcmuffins for only a buck
Someone just un-complimented my skort after I told them it came from Walmart. I didn’t even know that was something you could do.
Three turkeys ran through the yard and all I could think was “wait guys, I’m coming too.”
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
[first day as a midwife]
ME: Keep pushing! I can see the head!
NURSE: You’re at the wrong end.
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Nothing, just needed to stretch my legs.
verbiage sounds like something you’re not getting enough of in your diet
“My eyes are up here” ~ The last words heard by any guy who checked Medusa out.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
*husband and I arguing*
Kids (in unison): “YAYYYYYY TWO CHRISTMASES!!!!!
