Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You know you bought the right fireworks when the guy running the stand gives you a high four.

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

I know karate and tons of other words.

My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.

Now is the winter of our dish content.

For a tiny person unable to wipe herself after she poops, my toddler has managed to hit me dead in the eyeball with 4 things today.

Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.

Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*

Wife : I wish we still had sex like we did when we first started dating.
Me: So, like, with other people?

About the only thing I’ve learned from playing Angry Birds is that the pigs could definitely benefit from a comprehensive revamp of their building codes which currently allow construction using unsecured masonry, glass, balloons, and boxes of TNT.

You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”

My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.

[son comes running into our room]
“Dad, there’s a monster in my room!”
Look, Marky, what-
“Mikey.”
Right, Mikey. What makes u think I care?

I patiently sat through a 75 hour story about my daughter’s dream and then said wow daddy would love to hear this.

HOW DARE YOU

Boss: This is the third time you’ve been late for work this week. Do you know what that means?

Me: That it’s only Wednesday

The tooth fairy forgot to come last night. Luckily she woke in a panic at 5 am and visited in the nick of time.

FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat

ME: yes!

FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird

ME: yes!

FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog

ME: omg yes!

FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby

ME: ugh fine

Me: Where my favorite girl in the whole world?

Wife: Right here!

Me:

Wife:

Me:

Wife: You were talking to the dog, weren’t you?

Me: Yes

Imagine sex with me – no, more hot dogs

90% of parenting a little girl is chasing her around the house with a hair brush and a ponytail holder.

Your cat doesn’t love you. If it were bigger it would eat you.

Netflix and awkward silence?

*Makes cereal for my kids breakfast*
*Makes bacon and egg for mine”

My kids: can I have some of that bacon?

Me: *gives them some bacon*
K: maybe some egg?
M: *gives them some egg*

*Makes cereal for my breakfast*

MY MOM: every time I type a letter it types it twice?

ME: have you restarted your computer?

MY MOM: (very sadly) I was hoping you’d have a better idea.

HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*

Clearly something went amiss when I said I liked an animal in the bedroom and he showed up with a raccoon.

Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house

Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:

-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat

Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)