Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m pretty good at math (counting) except when I’m counting out a limited number of broken crackers for a diet. “Oh, this one’s broken. So that’s a 1/2 and 3/4 and another 1/2, ok that’s one.”

1st marriage: Love, naivety.

2nd marriage: Health insurance.

Jesus loves you.

But only as a friend.

Kid: Hey Mom.

Me: I’m asleep.

Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?

Me: I’M AWAKE.

I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to

HIM: Show me what that mouth do, girl 😉

ME: *eats a fistful of bees*

Hello, my name is Pierre.

Believe me, I looked.

But I couldn’t find a single Valentine’s card that said “You’re a nice guy, but I don’t want to go on a third date.”

Pretty upsetting that this long into the pandemic and some people are still refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny

Told my kid that he had a viral infection and now he’s excited because he thinks he’s going to be famous online.

If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.

WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*

Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”

Me:
“Total disappointments.”

Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”

There’s a tornado warning and we’re about to hop into our blow up pool. If you see us fly by, please don’t hesitate to say hello.

“If anyone has any objections, speak now or-
SHES LITERALLY A BANANA
Groom: IS THIS TRUE EMMA?
Best man: I f’kin KNEW she bruised too easily

“How about… we change the 6 to a 7?”
“I love it!”
–board meeting at the company that makes novelty sunglasses for New Year’s Eve

I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead

If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.

Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.

GOOD COP: Tell us what you know

BAD COP: Or we’ll turn up the heat

DAD COP: DON’T YOU TOUCH THAT DAMN THERMOSTAT

*group chat*

Fellas, I think it’s time. I think I’m finally ready to be a dad.

[Tamagotchi has requested to join the chat]

*tooth fairy arrested for incisor trading*

When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”

Cats REALLY hate dryers.
However, Patches has Never looked this fluffy

The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.

Boy are people gonna be upset when they find out the God Particle is black…

Welcome to middle age.

Only one nostril works