Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

HER: NNNNNNNN

ME: [gently rolling her onto her side]

HER: ZZZZZZZZ

My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.

Land line and the doorbell both rang at the same time and I collapsed in the middle of the kitchen.

Every time I forget to feed my cat, I thank god that I wasn’t a teen mom.

Because that child would not be OK today.

I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.

Don’t know whether to be disturbed or enchanted that the word sesquipedalian is onomatopoetic

Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!

Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?

Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!

Women say they want a guy who can make them laugh. I’d probably have done better if they’d specified that they didn’t mean by tickling.

When the rapture happens at a midwestern nondenominational church.

what is that job called where you put the little stickers on fruit i think i would be good at that

boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]

If you’re wondering what that sound was, I just found a grey hair.

ME: The kitten has eaten all the grapes!
GF: Just get some more
ME: Ok

[later]
GF: Did you get more grapes?
ME [drowning in kittens] what?

[Wendy’s Job Interview]

INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.

ME: Sir please get back in your car.

INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.

I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.

New rule: no video games before the time you’d normallly get home from school. That’s going to work with the 17 year old, right?

I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.

Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.

*me looking in refrigerator*
freezer: hey buddy my ice are up here

Imagine the sound a centipede would make if they wore tiny flip flops…

[at seance]

Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.

Ghost Husband: I’m here.

Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.

Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”

Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?

Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.

Me: And?

Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.

If I had two brownies, I’d give you one

little corner off of one

Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play

8yo: Gotcha, Daddy

Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?

9yo: yes

Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?

9yo: right…

Me: SWEET

9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!

Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.

Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?

teacher: your son said you threatened to beat him?

me: at checkers!

teacher: and forced him to sleep outside?

me: we went camping!

teacher: and made up his peanut allergy so he couldn’t share your snickers?

me: yeah, that one I did

Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man

If you trip over nunchucks in the bathroom, you probably have kids.
Or a really crappy ninja is hiding in your shower.

Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.

Whenever I shut down my computer, it asks, “Are you sure you want to shut down your computer?” Then I wonder if it knows something I don’t.