Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

How about I get 100% off by already being there

The fact that the overhead camera in front of my office is fake doesn’t stop me from giving it the finger on the way out every day.

Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot

I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.

[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no

i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure

Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*

Seeing my kids getting along, laughing, and peacefully playing together is the best fourteen seconds of my day.

umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.

The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.

Can’t think of a single time the MGM lion advanced the plot of the movie in any way. Just needless jump scare

I moisturize religiously because one of my grandmas has aged beautifully but one looks like emperor palpatine

[my first day on the international space station]

*grinds pepper over food*

Oh.

Oh no.

[being murdered]

me: hey are u Scottish

murderer: actually i am

me: then i guess u could say i’m being kilt

[murdering intensifies]

She believed she could so she did and now I have a meeting with her teacher and the principal.

Me: Sir, is this corn maze GMO free?

Him: It’s five dollars.

The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.

In order from least to most stressful:

– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why

At what point do we just ask Britney’s dad to do a conservatorship for Kanye?

me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*

therapist: ok what was that all about

This sign exists because someone at some point gave the alligators hallucinogens, right?

Me: You know what would be really handy? A small bobcat.

Friend: The animal or the bulldozer? Since it’s you talkin’, I have no idea.

My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.

you telling me a banana nut in this bread

My favorite part about talking to my teens is when they give me direct eye contact, listen intently, nod understandingly and then take out their AirPods when I finish and say, huh?

I dunno will I understand the new Fast & Furious if I haven’t seen the previous 47?

Losing your spouse can be hard.

But it’s not impossible.

After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!

Probably the worst thing about the death of print media is the devastating effect it’s having on the producers of traditional ransom notes.