Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
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My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.
Me: I don’t like where this is going
Driver: You ordered this Uber!
peppa pig implies the existence of salt pig
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
I want to do the #nakedchallenge to see my boyfriend’s reaction, I just need a tiktok account and a boyfriend
Of course I can cook, what kind of cereal would you like
Starting all my work emails today with, “to whom it’s about to concern”.
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
You want some advice? Don’t order crab cakes when you’re 700 miles from the ocean.
[Busy Diner]
Waitress carrying 4 plates: “OK now, honey. Who was eggs?”
Me (highly educated): “In a sense…” (scrunching up eyes to read her name badge) ”…Barbara. All of us were once eggs.”
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
The booster protects against what, now?
I don’t steal the blankets. Gravity is just heavier on my side of the bed
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
What number SPF blocks people?
Damn…CAPTCHAs getting hard.
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Making friends was so much easier as a kid.
5: This is the smallest finger I have.
Other 5yo at the park: Well this is the smallest finger I have!
Both: (giggle)
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
The only phrase you need to learn in any foreign language is, “I know you guys are talking shit about me!”
Spongebob | (•)(•) |
Patrick / (•)(•)
Squidward ( (•)(•) )
Plankton | (•) |
Mr Krabs |$||$|