Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best part of a Dolly Parton presidency would be the Dolly Pardons.

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.

“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave

I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?

A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.

There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.

[3 days into dieting]

*sees ad for burger & fries*

*drowns in his own saliva*

Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.

9: What did that message on the TV say

Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen

9: How do they know what size TV we have?

Judge: And that’s how we’re determining who gets the kids in the divorce.

Edward Scissorhands: *nodding*

Kim Paperhands: No.

A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”

My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.

I don’t want to exacerbate things. That would just make things worse

My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.

I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.

one time i asked the guy i was dating at the time if he would still love me if i was a worm and he said ‘no but i would build u a terrarium and make sure ur safe and also so u could see the girl i date after :)’ and it caused a huge fight lol

Me: that’s BS

6: boring stuff?

Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes

Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.

Him:*laughs nervously*

Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial

Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds

I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.

stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao

RT if you could go either way.

Untitled Goose Game (2019)

my kid has gone trick-or-treating in the same costume for 3 or 4 years in a row. no attempt to entertain the neighborhood, just punching the clock and taking their candy. 🫡

I’m so glad the Met gala is back because after all the sadness and introspection of last year I can once again ask “What is this event exactly” and “Who cares” and “Why do I know this is a thing”

interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills

me: yes, that number is zero

Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.

Doomsday prepper, smugly: When everyone else has died, my family will continue to suffer for upwards of 2-3 months

my go-to phrase at work is “I’ll crunch the numbers” but the truth is I’ll just go back to my desk & crunch my flaming hot cheetos

That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..