Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
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You learn something new every day.
Except yesterday. Yesterday was a washout.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
Vegetarian? Sea kelp.
Cannibal? Seek help.
I love you…
…r dog.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I love when a chef refers to themself as “fearless.” Like, are those figs on that sandwich? Calm down, Napoleon
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
Growing up is just going from hearing “we have food at home” to saying “we have food at home”.
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
One of the moms at school pickup always yells “hi, chicken nugget” to her kid, and that’s a level of parental embarrassment I can only aspire to
Toddler: I don’t like you. *hits*
Adult: I don’t like you. *tracks your movements for the rest of your life*
Apparently “never hesitate to tell her you love her” does not include yelling it through her window at 3am, I know this now.
“lmao why do you guys keep calling it ‘The Last Supper ‘? Seems pretty ominous, right?”
-Jesus
4-year-old: It’s not fair. Boys can have beards but girls can’t.
Me: Well, girls can have babies and boys can’t.
4: Want to trade?
We will always be important enough to fit into someone’s motive. However, that is not the kind of importance we want to carry around
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
7: dad can you help me with this math problem
me: sure
me: [sees it] nope.
The math problem:
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Me: Raise your right hand. No, your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. Your other hand. How many hands do you have??
Octopus:
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
THE ANTICHRIST: Hey, dad. I’m hungry.
THE DEVIL: Hi, Hungry. I’m Beelzebub, the serpent in the Garden, Lucifer, son of the morning, the fallen angel, Baphomet, the prince of darkness, Mephistopheles, Satan, the truest evil, Mammon, the dragon of the bottomless pit, left hand of—
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
“People want to drink a panic attack.” — inventor of 5 Hour Energy
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂
1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.