Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Tonight I found out that my husband applies body lotion to his legs “cricket style” which involves applying lotion directly to his legs and then just… rubbing them together. Like a cricket

Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda:

Luke:

Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.

Pee your name in the snow and you’ll quickly understand why they teach cursive in our schools.

Some of you have never been told to ‘Leave room for the Holy Spirit’ by an old nun with a ruler while slow-dancing to Boyz 2 Men at your Grade 8 dance and it shows

True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

*pronounces bondage like corsage.

Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi

Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.

Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.

*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.

Come back with a warrant

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire

Wife: what really happened?

Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour

Three words no parent ever wants to hear when dropping their kid at a play date: “Come on in.”

According to Facebook, Sept. 11th is about posting as many pictures of crying bald eagles obscured by an American flag as you can.

I like to do a task by worrying about it for three weeks and then finally dedicating 12 solid minutes to completing it.

I like ordering delivery pizza from two different locations as a race. I prize myself as the winner with two pizzas.

The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault

We named our cat Ginger, because it’s the name our toddler insisted on him having and wouldn’t take no for an answer. For a quiet life, we just went with it. Our cat is black. It confuses people, the vet included.

My son was mad at me today so he told me as much punishment I had to go to my room and sleep for 24 hours. If I got hungry, he’d bring me whatever food I wanted, but I was not allowed to leave my bed for one whole day.

If you need me, I’ll be on vaca-, I mean, in my room.

i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters

Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?

2020: *deep breath*

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room

We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.

okay actually I asked them about this because I legit needed keys cut, so I said excitedly “oh do you all do key cutting???” and the cashier was like 😐 “no???” and I was like “then why do you have this sign then??” and he just shrugged and looked at me like I was the crazy one!!

Went to a parade.

For an hour, bored people on floats waved.

For an hour, My 2-year-old waved back.

It was the greatest day of her life.