Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.

Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.

Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.

That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

Even before the internet, I always had a little side chat going on in my head.

Nobody remembers you winning the 4th grade award for ‘Best Penmanship’, but everyone remembers the one time you called the teacher “mum”.

Him: You are a souless ginger.

Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.

Him: Funny!

Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.

Him: *nervous laugh*

Girls complain about guys using them for sex, but sex is awesome! Start bitching when he uses you for laundry, or as a human shield.

Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas

*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*

Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.

My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.

Some people say they don’t know what to do with their hands in pictures.

I still haven’t figured out what to do with my face.

As the rain pelts down on the window I am simultaneously happy I don’t have to go water the garden and pissed because I just washed the car.

[romantic walk]
Me: *turns to date* darling
Her: *gasps*
Me: *gets down on one knee* will you
Her: omg
Me: protest racial inequality with me

2019: the floor is lava

2020: literally don’t touch anything

Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby

Maybe Millennials aren’t having children because we lived through the nightmare of raising Tamagotchis. :/

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Why are there commentators for televised sports?
We can figure out what’s going on live, but can’t while watching it on tv?

*buys shed at B&Q*

B&Q: Are you putting this up yourself?

Me: No, it’s going in the garden.

B&Q:

Me:

B&Q: I can’t help you anymore.

Waitress: ‘Do u have any questions about the menu?’
Me: ‘What kind of font is this?’

Statisticly 6 out of 7 dwarfs arent happy…

Not to brag but I also have a things-to-undo list

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

me: (singing) it’s the i of the tiger

tger: give it back

[at dog park]

ME: it’s ok, she’s friendly.

THEM: is, is that a crab?

ME: yep. She’s a purebred. Her name is Clawdrey Hepburn. She’s 2.

‍‍‍‍ As Ross and Rachel loaded their rifles, Joey prepped the van, and Phoebe hacked the camera feed, the embassy doors EXPLODED inward.
“When I hired you, I expected subtlety!” screamed Monica.
“Hey,” Chandler shrugged, tossing his cigarette. “Bought a Bing, bought a boom.”

I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.

Boss: Thank you for paying attention for this five hour meeting, I really appreciate your focus

Me: *still wondering when it’s the perfect time to tell him he has a booger in his nose* no problem

[sitting around a bonfire]

Friend: This is so peaceful

My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”