Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*looking in The Mirror of Erised*

Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*

Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*

Spring is the most depressing season because all the birds are getting laid and I’m not

Someone asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

30 minutes was not the right answer.

What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?

Two Dough Nuts.

I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details

How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).

Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.

[Christina Aguilera begins singing the lyrics ‘You Are Beautiful’ at her concert, notices me in the audience, and abruptly stops]

McKay Coppins:

My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.

On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”

2021

Employees: We’ve decided to go in a different direction. We’re gonna have to let you go.

Managers: wut?

Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid

Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.

If I could turn water into wine I’d have twelve disciples and a multitude of followers too

*washes up on a deserted island
*no wifi
*swims back out to sea

There’s been a terrible misunderstanding.

It seems that monkey is the root of all evil.

Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions

therapist: what’s your earliest memory?

me: crying for my mom

therapist: so around what, five?

me: nine this morning

“Dad this is serious I’m in jail”

Hi serious this is dad

“Dad! Be serious! Wait NO!”

HI SERIOUS THIS IS SERIOUS!

The 2nd amendment gives us the right to bear arms and the 8th amendment gives us the right to horse legs

Running from your problems is cardio .

I dated a woman once.

Most confusing twenty minutes of my life.

Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.

There are two types of people in this world.
1. People who have a favourite brand of water.
2. People I don’t want to kill.

I have two kinds of followers

[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*

[waking up in a ice-filled bathtub with a fresh wound across my abdomen] oh Jesus God no, somebody took my wolves

What Bob, you’re interrupting.

My husband proposed two days after Valentine’s day so that every year he could get me discounted flowers and chocolates on the anniversary instead of the holiday

to the tune of ‘everybody dance now’ himalayan sea salt

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.