Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?

[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep

Game developer: his name is Donkey

Nintendo: nice

Developer: he’s a gorilla

Nintendo: ok twist

Developer: who wears a necktie

Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?

Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?

Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking

Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.

[party]
her: [seductively] hey baby, u wanna get out of here?
me: oh hell yeah
her: awesome, we’d all appreciate it

my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o n

me: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now

If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left

So, if you get pregnant in Vegas, does the baby have to stay there?

My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.

Dude told me his sister got in trouble for drugs. I called her Bethanphetamine, he blocked me. Too bad. There was potential

“How was your first day of school sweetie?”
*in tears* JEFF HAD THE SAME SHIRT
“Oh…I’m sorry”
*rips Batman shirt* I’M NEVER TEACHING AGAIN!!

[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?

Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering

Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead

Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?

My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.

Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.

In today’s Zoom meeting my foot got caught on my office chair hydraulic lever & I slowly sunk down out of view like a sinking ship leaving my coworkers in wonder

People always tell me I’d be “late to my own funeral” like it’s a bad thing. They’d be lucky if I even showed up to that depressing shit.

your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost

I hate when that happens.

Why was E the only letter in the alphabet to get a Christmas present?

Because the rest were not-E.

Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.

whatcha thinkin bout

I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.

Your Hunger Games name is the last injection you got plus the last thing you stepped on. I’m Tetanus Woodscrew

If that cute guy doesn’t approach you at a bbq, he is probably just intimidated by how many sausages you’re eating.

A fun thing about having kids is how they ask for help with their homework.

On the way to school.

You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!

Aging is like oh look a new cute freckle on the palm of my hand is it cancer

Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…

He brews.

I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all.