Me: My head hasn’t been in the right place lately.
GF: You might want to check up your ass.
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*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Having lunch at eleven in the morning because I don’t want anything to interfere with my afternoon nap.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
Idioms are annoying so I won’t count chickens that cry over spilt milk at the drop of a hat or bark up the wrong apples and oranges tree because at the end of the day, it is what it is, and it ain’t over til the fat lady kills two birds with a piece of cake.
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
Told my 9 year old school is cancelled for at least 4 weeks due to coronavirus and he asked why scientists don’t just develop “nanorobots to go in our blood and eat the virus.” So if you lazy scientists could hurry it up he’d appreciate it thnx
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Spider-Man, Spider-Man
Chillin in his camper van,
Kickin back, drinkin booze,
Head to toe in sweet tattoos.
Hang on,
That is not Spider-Man.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Chappell Roan sounds like a place they have to defend in Lord of the Rings.
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
[Catching wife in the bedroom with my best friend]
Wife: PUT ME DOWN YOU IDIOTS
This lady totally messed up my Zen during my yoga session by switching on the lights and waking me up.
ME: It’s a zoo where we only have two of each animal. I’m calling it Noah’s Park.
BANK MANAGER: Get out!
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
white people love ordering something that’s meant to be eaten with rice without rice and then waking up the next day not being able to open their eyes because of sodium bloat and being like why is korean food so salty like you ate enough kimchi jjigae for a family of 5 martha
Me: You’re asking me to do this work today? On the Friday of Friday? The AUDACITY.
Boss: Again, it’s called Thursday…
Imagine the trouble she has trying to introduce herself in France.
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
do not take me to an escape room. i was a c-section. someone is gonna have to come get me
Quit keeping your enemies closer. No wonder you feel like shit.
[A tissue manufacturer meeting]
“But what if we pack them in the box so that the first tissue is almost impossible to grab and you end up pulling out nine?”
Him: I’d like to order a medium pepperoni pizza . Will it be long?
Me: No Sir it will be round
That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
*texting with girls*
Her: I <3 you
Me:[throws phone in disgust but picks it up and texts back angrily] you’re less than 3
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels