Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
You Might Also Like
I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Those 5 donuts I ate are really going to give me an extra boost during my workout today.
Netflix is doing a new show about a “psychic” who specializes in reading famous people. Y’know, the folks who do in-depth interviews and reality TV shows and write autobiographies.
“We never met, but somehow, he knew everything about me!”
Gee, how does he do it. So amazing.
Fantasy:
We run in slow motion toward each other across an open field.
Her side is mined.
After hitting that pothole I can see spring’s in the air…along with a wheel and the rest of my suspension.
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
I’m sick of closing out every job interview with “I was young. I needed the money.”
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
[Interview]
Me: Oh! The time I ate 1/2 a giant birthday cookie cake between the store & home!
Boss: I meant impressive JOB accomplishment.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
I was jumping on the trampoline with my son and now my neighbour won’t stop mowing his lawn next to the fence
“Five year plan?”
[shuffles papers]
…written down here somewhere
… Ahh, here it is, lemme clean the cheese off this Mcmuffin wrapper
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
customarily, clothes go in the hamper not next to it
Hi, I’m Amanda and I stew on things that could’ve been handled in an hour for thirteen years.
My husband called and asked if I could be naked before he gets home from work. I feel awkward sitting here with his mother, but whatever.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
Job interview…
Interviewer “On your CV, it says that you are a man of mystery.”
“That’s correct.”
“Would you like to elaborate?”
“No.”
Dude, when’s the last time you read a book?
“shh, I’m getting mad online”
The year was 1989 and America fell in love with Ariel, the half-animal girl who collects garbage.
Journalist: what are your thoughts on the arms race?
Me: I strongly believe that races should be done with legs
Are you thinking of putting a dozen Cheerios in a ring box on the kitchen counter with a sign that says “Honey, I Shrunk The Donuts”, just to keep your marriage exciting, or are you normal?
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Humidity is great because then people think it’s not my fault that my hair looks like this.