Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
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Open heart surgery? No, just rip it out.
Always keep an axe by the front door so I can give the other Jehovah something awesome to witness.
*spills wine on Ouija board*
OUIJA: *moving pointer by itself* H-E-Y S-S-E-X-Y D-Y-O-O-U-W-W-A-N-N-A M-A-K-E O-U-T
ME: *moves pointer to NO*
[On a road trip]
Kids: Oooh a Waffle House! Can we eat there?!
Husband: Hard pass. I’ve seen y’all fight, and frankly, it’s not gonna cut it.
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
You can’t choose your family, but you can block them on Facebook.
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
Something I like to do when I’m voting is tell to turn to the person at the stall next to me and whisper, “What did you put for number 3?”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
Having a mustache is a great way to stop people from drawing a mustache on you in permanent marker while you sleep.
dude it’s called proctologist
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Buying my parents’ house.
Soon, like so many of the ‘ladies’ here…
I too will be a middle aged man tweeting from his mom’s basement.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
My 2yo is going around pretending to call everyone. When he got to his brother, my 5yo didn’t even look up from playing, responding, “I can’t talk now, my phone is dead. Bye.”
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
WWE is French for “yes”
I’d write you a poem right now if I thought it would get rid of you.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
sliding into dms like
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: …
6yo: …
8yo: ….Punches 6yo in the face.
Me: Woah,what the hell was that for?
8yo: He knows.
A friend with benefits would just be a bestie with a laser hair removal salon for me.
Pals I’m DYING I just met a lady at the market with a corgi and apparently she tells all the tourists that it’s one of the queens dogs because Andrew was too busy to keep them all so she’s got like a queue of tourists taking photos with her dog this is *hilarious*
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
I am also baked goods
My 4yo, screaming at his little sister for touching his toy: I AM GOING TO SEND YOU TO JAIL
*looks at me, and I am frowning at him*
4yo: I mean…maybe I will send you to jail. Maybe not. We’ll see.
Due to inflation they will now be known as Maroon 6, Sum 47 and 103 Degrees, respectively
*watching Goodfellas for the first time* These fellas are morally grey at BEST