Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
![]()
You Might Also Like
I’ve been through a lot in this last month, but by far the most horrific thing to happen to me was broccoli on pizza. Never again.
I have no covid-19 symptoms, which from what I hear, is a symptom of covid-19
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
Too easy.
![]()
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
cop: do you have a license to fish?
me: yes.
cop: ok you may go.
me: *drives away on my fish*
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
*a caveman walking along a trail sees another set of footprints. he stops & shakes his head*
the traffic has gotten so bad here.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
reminder
![]()
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
I offered Kinkos $5 for this… they said no.
![]()
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Whatcha dooooin’?
911: Sir, are you in danger?
Me: *giggles* You’re always so worried, but I’m fine, silly
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
me: it’s tough coming back into the office huh?
them: you don’t work here
me: i know it was really tough getting past security
One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Them: what kind of friend are you?
Me: idk Phoebe maybe
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
5: Dad, can you get me pasta?
Me: Ah, we don’t have any.
5: That’s ok, you can make some, I don’t mind waiting.
COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer
If a shark is ever attacking me I’m gonna be like where are your parents do they know you act like this
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.