Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
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Bear of bad news: Hey, sport. You might wanna be sitting down. Ready? Oh god how do I put this? I’m gonna have to maul the shit out of you.
I’m not trying to seduce you, I’m just very bad at eating
My toddler took a sip of my margarita and made an adorable pucker-face. She went back for a 2nd sip and giggled. After sips 3 & 4 she called her daycare friends to say she missed them. Things got ugly with sip 5 when she started blaming her stuffed animals for society’s problems.
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Today i convinced my brother for a full minute that the Beatles wrote “blackbird” about Batman
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
People complain about their looks, but no one complains about their brains.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Plot twist: This time the dog opens the door and I run away.
If you say “guess who died?” with a big smile on your face some people get kinda angry.
Nosey, gossipy neighbour has fallen out with most of the street at some point. 10 years ago she had her lawn replaced with white pebbles. Every work day since I’ve lobbed my chewing gum on there. I reckon there’s now more gum than pebbles.
Why I still can’t play Chess:
Older brother trying to teach me: “And this piece is?”
Me: “Horse.”
OB: “…the Knight.”
Me: “Ah, but see how I remember it is it moves horseizontally.”
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
Well, about your cat… There’s good news and bad news…
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
Another day, another…goddammit
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Saint Peter: Name
M: David
SP: You’re in
M: Even after that night in Nogales?!
SP *winks*
*takes a step*
*trap door opens*
SP: Sucka!
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Liquor store clerk: Do you need help?
Me: Yes but I decided to come here instead
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”