Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever

Them: they were singing happy birthday to me

Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.

Then we met.

Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear

Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree

a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready

excuse me

every time a random fucking website asks if it can send me notifications i imagine a guy i’ve never seen before in my life running out of a building i just walked by and chasing me down the street demanding to know my full name and email address

Them: I really really really want a zigga zig ahhh

Hostage negotiator: ok but you need to let the women and children go first.

Why aren’t there more Christmas songs about revenge?

I was out of tanning oil once, so I used PAM® Cooking Spray. The tan didn’t stick.

Within every clean home is a room with a closed door containing a large pile of miscellaneous shit that someone just tossed in there.

If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.

And live by myself.

That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!

After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political

You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.

I hate when I’m trying to do shit and I’m married.

My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.

When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.

When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.

When you stop looking for it is when you’ll find it.

Happiness, love, that last beer in the back of the fridge.

Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.

[wife gets home] did you feed the baby his spinach today?

[me doing push ups] hell no I’m not letting that baby get stronger than me

16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.

Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.

Kids really be like, it’s too much work to load the dishwasher but let me try to balance this plate on top of this 2 foot stack of glasses, pots and pans in the sink

zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS

9th graders: whoa!

zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD

9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–

zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS

A hearse was in front of me in the drive through lane at a burger joint. I have questions.

Every Political Ad Ever:

I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*

My retirement plan is to get hit by a bus. My pre-retirement plans involves eating a lot of cheeseburgers to become a bigger target.

My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.