Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.

Toto: I blessed Lorraine down in Africa

Adele: I set fire to Lorraine

Johnny Nash: I can see clearly now, Lorraine is gone

Lorraine: Stop it

GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!

GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?

Me teaching Wilderness Survival Class:

“OK EVERYBODY WATCH CAREFULLY AS I DRIVE *AWAY* FROM THE WILDERNESS.”

I hate who I was when I packed a healthy dinner to bring to work

I thought I saw a coyote in the yard tonight but I couldn’t tell because it didnt have an anvil.

I want you to rub my belly but I’m going to roll over juuust out of reach

– my dog begging

A new rule at the office is if you cry you get sent home. Anyways, I can’t stop crying.

“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels

[garage sale]

ME: can I leave my children as collateral

LADY: you haven’t bought anything

It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.

my whole life consists of people asking me if i’ve seen this movie and me telling them no i haven’t seen that movie and then them telling me i should see that movie and then me telling them i’ll add it to the list but there is no list and i won’t watch that movie

VIDEO: Multiple raccoons take over the library at Arkansas State »

[Standing still for a picture]

I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.

Liquor Store Parking

“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”

I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.

It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication

My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.

Nature just builds 30 foot trees. Without even pulling a permit.

VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me

There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.

Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.

All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon

future wife: how many alarms did you set

me: don’t worry about it

wife: how many

me: twenty seven

wife: set three more

Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge

Me, a rhinoceros: nice

Annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there’s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time

13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.

I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”