Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My friend takes things for granite because she didn’t finish high school

Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.

Teach a man to fish and you’ll have a lot more precious time to yourself in a quiet house with no one wanting something every 15 minutes.

Me <in a meeting, whispers>: I don’t really like Gary.
Gary: I’m Gary.
Me: I know.

I’ve decided to donate my brain to science.

[years later, my brain is used to prop open the Science door]

I’m fat, but not accidentally give birth in the Walmart bathroom because I didn’t know I was pregnant, fat.

*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*

“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”

This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.

Predator reluctantly turning off it’s cloaking technology so it can wash it’s hands at a sensor faucet

The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.

Stockholm Syndrome is a myth, I can confirm after polling all the ungrateful b*****ds I have locked in my basement.

If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.

i don’t have time to deal with the weird spots on the lawn so i threw a bag of salad over them

[waiting at the dentist]

Me: *eating a sleeve of Oreos while maintaining eye contact with the receptionist*

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.

{Packing for trip}
ME: I always thought they were called “soupcases”.
HER: Why would they be called soupcases?
ME: Well why would they be called suitcases?
HER: Because they’re for your suits.
ME:
HER:
ME: Okay I need to repack.

Satan: I’m bored. Let’s keep telling her that’s not her password.

Help

FACT : Half of all missing person reports involve people trying to find their way out of IKEA.

Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.

Why did God make Trolls World Tour so hard to say?

Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.

Me: [doing crossword] a body of water; three letters.

Wife: bay.

Me: flying insect w/ stinger; three letters.

Wife: bee.

Me: to hush someone; four letters.

Wife: shhh.

Me: boat Noah built; three letters.

Wife: ark.

Me: DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO DOO.

[JanSport keynote address]
(audience grumbling)
“where is he?”
*CEO emerges from backpack on stage*
*crowd goes nuts*

Wrestling is obviously fake.
Why would two people fight
over a belt when neither of
them are wearing pants?

Watching Terminator back in the 80s: This is such a cool fictional story!

In 2025: Shit.

Just congratulated my ex on dating someone so young that her Throwback Thursday photos are just pictures of her pregnant mom. I’m a dream.

Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads

~ dishwashers, perves

Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you