ROBBER: is this all the cash?
CASHIER: yes but would you like to donate $1 to charity
ROBBER [tears welling up inside his ski mask]: ok
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I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
My wife acts like she wants to have sex, but then we don’t. I googled it, it’s called cuddling.
Kinda rude TikTok has “hiding your double chin hacks” in my algorithm.
[using my one prison phone call in 2007] yes, one vote for Sanjaya please
Her: undress me with your words
Him: I just saw a spider go down your top
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Kids, do not try this at home!
When someone has a question at the end of the Friday afternoon meeting
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
Over the past month I’ve been losing my hoodies/sweaters/etc. Today I found all of them under my bed. Turns out I’ve been taking them off in my sleep when I’m too hot and shoving them behind me into the gap between my mattress and headboard
[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
I was going to clean my house but decided to stop inviting people over instead
Cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: yeah I do but sad news buddy, I’m married
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Ugh. My bed is infested with children.
5: Next year, I’m going to be 6, and my sister will be 2.
Me: Yup, that’s right.
5: And my brother will be 9.
Me: Good job.
5: And you’ll be fort-
Me: That’s enough math for now.
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
the three branches of government
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Today’s homeschooling Google searches: