Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.

Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?

Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?

In the bathroom stall and written on the bottom of the door, ” Beware of Limbo Dancers” I wanted to star it and re-stall it one door over.

Mummies are just super modest zombies

Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.

wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about

Me: Can I order the conch fritters please?
Waitress: The “ch” is pronounced like a “k”
Me: Okay Bick.

When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence

All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.

Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems

My wife: How does a summer road trip with the kids sound?

Me: Sounds like we had a good run.

Scotland……because even the Romans needed to meet a group of people that made them say “Nah…just build a wall and keep an eye on em”

Waiter: what can I get you?

Me: I’ll have what she’s having

Her: two divorces then please

Contrary to popular belief, when I call tech support, I don’t know what the Indian dude is saying either.

Oh your gums are bleeding? I brush my teeth so hard my hand is bleeding

Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip
Don’t trip

Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again
Don’t trip again

– me running up the stairs

Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?

Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails

It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death

ME: [sitting on iphone] europe. europe. EUROPE. europe
[5 hrs later]
ME: ok fine maybe ur right
WIFE: what did you think airplane mode meant

me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.

Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper

I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice

me: wow you sure are playing hard to get

after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you

transition lenses except they work when old ppl ask you why you haven’t had babies yet.

I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.

I have way too much responsibility for someone who still isn’t sure if 12pm is noon or midnight.

Maintains eye contact with the cashier as he rings up my gloves, duct tape, knife and tampons

I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.

If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die