Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.

When the grid crashes and there’s no other way of communicating, we’ll see whose drum circle is “stupid”.

I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died

Is athlete’s foot [gulp] fatal, doc?

“Not with the proper treatment.”

*gives foot $56M 7-year contract*

[spelling bee]

“Your word is stupid”

ME: Well give me a different one then

“No, that’s your word…stupid”

ME: Maybe you’re the stupid one

[During a baby shower]

Me: Ooh I caught one

Wife: Put it down we can’t afford another

The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.

I liked the old days, when people tried to keep the fact that they were idiots to themselves.

The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.

“I was being bad last year and I STILL got presents from Santa Claus.”

-My 4yo completely embracing the Dark Side

When I was younger I wished Hulk Hogan would be the president. Now that I’m older I wish Hulk Hogan would be the president.

My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,

and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.

Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.

I’ve been taking my Flintstones’ vitamins daily, but I still can’t start a car with my feet.

So we can play bumper cars with an asteroid for funsies, but I do it once with a cop car and it’s a whole thing

My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’

COP: Where were you the night of the murder?
CROW: I was with a group of friends
COP: What would you call that group?
CROW: …I want a lawyer

An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it

Her: what’s your favorite position

Me: devil’s advocate

Her: i meant sexual position

Me: but what if you didn’t

[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS

I only attract psychopaths. If you’ve ever had a crush on me, find a therapist.

Why yes internet stranger, I have tweets that contradict each other. It’s a timeline, not a deposition

I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”

If our kids tweeted about us the way we do about them: “45 is on twitter fighting with 41 and 43 about 37 again if you wanna know how my day is going.”

“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.

I just want a time machine so I can show up at the Salem witch trials with an iPad.

Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.

goldfish mafia