Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium

Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.

The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.

I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.

COWORKER: Walking is better for your knees than running.

ME: Hammocking is better than both.

Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!

If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!

Princess: I shall marry whomever of you is the bravest

Suitors: [all awkwardly look at the toaster]

“Give a man a fish. Don’t ask why just do it.”
— if your boss wrote proverbs

I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.

Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.

more water

[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open

Hubs left his Amazon account open on the laptop and I swear to God if I’m getting a lawnmower for Mother’s Day there will be bloodshed.

My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.

Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve

My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…

If someone is whistling they:

1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone

Me: I should sleep.

Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.

Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!

Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…

Him: Ok,enough FFS.

Me: oooo, angry!

*Handed a baby*

Awww he’s so cute. Do you have anything quieter?

suspect: i ain’t talkin

cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]

suspect: can i have some

cop: cake is for talkers

Today a coworker from another department was talking about her daughter, Haysleigh, and I guess I gave an eyebrow raise because she immediately said “like paisley but agricultural” then spelled it and I felt my soul leave my body

evil queen: would you like an apple?

me [is snow white]: nah not really

evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!

me: meh, even so

I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.

For sale: Baby, won’t stop selling its shoes.

Stick around after sticking around after the Thor 2 credits. Very realistic 3D of a theater manager telling you to leave.

sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad

office jobs are so funny because you’ll be 24 and your greatest enemy in the world is a 55 year old woman named betty from finance

“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”

I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.

“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”

Me: {after awkwardly long silence} So you come here often?
Waitress: Yes I work here can you please just order.