Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore

CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*

Welcome to your 50s. Your brain says “Yes,” but your body says “We need to talk.”

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

one thing I really like about competitive horse riding is that horses, more often than not, are assholes. love them! be an asshole! you’re a horse!

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1836768272529641473/pu/vid/avc1/576x1024/sjvzA_ONYh5H1lhr.mp4?tag=12

Me:
Neck pillow
Knee pillow
Hug pillow
Head pillow
Ankle pillow
Back pillow
Thigh pillow
Foot pillow

Him:
Pillow

No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨

https://video.twimg.com/ext_tw_video/1185334785247330304/pu/vid/720x720/p5IpnVpLifZCLwPq.mp4?tag=10

I am the King of the Universe and I have a son and he occasionally appears on grilled-cheese sandwiches. #yup

Him: Why are you here?

Me: Why am I anywhere?

Me: *disappears for a few weeks*

Friends: *No concern*

Me: *Posts inspirational quote on FB*

Friends: Dude, you okay? You need to talk?

I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.

My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.

I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.

“The Perfect Relationship”

Last night, during dinner, my 7 year old son said….

I need a pen and paper to write down the recipe for this so that when I have children I can make it for them because it’s really nice.

So apparently, he has his whole life planned out, including meals.

Eulogies are just goth stand-up.

*bringing a parachute as my hand luggage on any Boeing flight from here on in

Never be afraid to acknowledge your accomplishments

Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂

how are there low birth rates when everyone here is a big baby

I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)

I got this “breathe” tattoo because I don’t have a central nervous system and it’s a helpful reminder.

Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

Wife: How many beers did you have while I was gone?

Me: Two.

4-year-old: It was nine.

Teaching her to count was a mistake.

I say this a lot, but for someone who loves food as much as I do, you would think I would love going to the grocery store

Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?

Therapy: Expensive

saying “ew” out loud to anything or anyone that opposes you: Free

Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks

First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!

Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign