Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

One of my foster dogs chewed up my credit card and now my husband wants to keep him

You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.

I try to use proper grammar and punctuation in all of my tweets, until I’m about to go over the 140 character limit…& den u no how it b.

Finally!

Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.

“Am I as bored as you are?” can be read backwards and still make sense.

my kid: cries cause youtube went down and he can’t watch gamer vids

me: chill out omg. The internet isn’t life.

Also me: TWITTER WTF IS THIS RETWEET QUOTE CRAP?!! I CANT LIVE LIKE THIS.

Son: [cracks knuckles]

Me: Oh yeah? [stands up and knees and back make bubble wrap noises for 20 seconds]

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge

I fall and drown in the lake. They pull out my body. “It’s so bloated and grotesque” says one. “He only fell in a minute ago” says another

Literally no one understands something more completely than a woman in a meeting who starts a question with “Just so I understand…”

On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.

When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid

[date doesn’t cry at the beginning of Up]
“I think we should see other people.”

My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days

Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?

I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”

I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship

Doctor: And how many partners have you had?

Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.

My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.

Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.

I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”

DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!

Wow this person is full of shit, oh I’m on my own page

The Punning Dead.

It might be time to diet when you ask Siri to call your ” boyfriend” and she dial’s up Domino’s pizza

Baker: Is there a problem?

Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!

a friend of mine dresses like Adam sandler but sometimes she’ll swap the oversized tee for a tiny top and she calls it the madam sandler

They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.

“I’m not racist but…” – Britain

[school of hard knocks]

TEACHER: you’re late

ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked

TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn