Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me

Her: I love it when we finish each other’s

Him: pancakes

Alarms are for people without children or puppies

How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?

Am I winning or losing at parenting if my 3yo says, “ooohhh chicken nuggets!” as I pull up to the security booth at a gated community?

Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.

So a 12 year old told me it’s a good idea to have a bourbon cake. I’ll take no questions at this time.

No school, Day 1

7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!

8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*

5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.

My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha with an inspirational text like:

“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa”

Do men still open car doors?

That 👊

I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!

I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.

Shout out to the little teapot song for making it okay to be short & stout.

Worth the read.

Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.

Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
Murderer: “K.”

*whispering to my belly fat*

I just can’t quit you.

Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus

ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane

If you have scissors for hands, you could probably just introduce yourself as Edward, and let people figure the rest out on their own

Please respect my privacy at this difficult time. I’m in morning.

People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.

I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!

If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.

The wife asked me to bone the chicken then acts surprised when she catches me doing it

No friends? What about those visits to your place from Amazon and FedEx?

I hope this is the year Santa brings me a DNA testing kit so I can finally figure out which kid has been leaving all the glasses in the sink after I’ve cleaned the kitchen

Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.

I dunno why but this feels like a trap

So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.