Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand

[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..

*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”

H: “You’re walking funny”
me: I hurt myself in the hot tub
H: “Did you fall in?”
me: …
me: … sure.

The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone

The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party

[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right away

Security Guard: take the escalator

Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW

technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water

Imagine my voice. Wrong. More velociraptor.

Joined our neighborhood watch program. There’s 30 of us though so I only get to wear it like 1 day a month. 🙁

Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming

me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..

movie exec: i’m not sure that..

me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park

movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..

What kind of crime would I have to commit in order to get the FBI to come in here and dust?

I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people

Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.

⁦@XplodingUnicorn⁩ LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃

cop: you’re coming with me

me: [being handcuffed] but i don’t even know you

cop: get in the car

me: will you take me to disneyland

cop: what do you think

me: maybe

Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken

My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.

Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.

I’m suspicious of people who don’t like dogs…But I totally trust a dog when it doesn’t like a person.

shotgunning a can of soup and crushing it against my forehead like a beer can

Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.

And when I looked back and saw only one set of footprints in the sand I realized the hourglass in my pocket must be leaking

“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open

I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it

The opposite of goth is stopth.

God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?

Cat:

God:

Cat:

God: *creates dogs*

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

If Shakespeare were alive today, he’d write a tragedy about the fate of the single French fry that comes with every order of onion rings.

I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.