Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.

doctor: we had to remove your appendix

JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves

me when the borders lift

My son drew this picture of a giraffe. He explained that he ran out of room for the giraffe’s head 😆 I like it!

Money’s missing from under my pillow, I think I’ve been visited by the teef fairy.

Letting the grocery bagger bring my groceries out sounds nice but I can’t handle trying to remember where I parked in front of a stranger.

You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both

I donated my body to science but science regifted it to comedy.

Health Tip:
If you find a pill on the floor of a public restroom, rinse it off before taking it.

I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.

job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?

me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.

me: so i have an attention deficit.

psychologist: yes.

me: so i need to get more attention

psychologist: no.

[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]

Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.

Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.

M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee

H: Still right beside you.

Cabin 1: *coughs

Cabin 2: What’s the matter with him?

Cabin 3: Cabin Fever.

How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.

My favorite type of women put their jeans on in this way; left leg, right leg, wiggle wiggle jump jump.

I made some soup yesterday entirely from ingredients extracted from the atmosphere…

It was a broth of fresh air!🤭😁

Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.

me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare

principal: where’s your pants?

*First Date*

Her: I was worried you might be a convicted serial killer. LOL

Me; HaHa, LOL. No, I was never convicted.

Having a kid is great because it’s basically an 18 year excuse for being too tired to make plans with people ever again.

“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow

I said I wanted my bamboo “grilled”…not toasted. GRILLED! Why is this so difficult to understand? I want to see your manager.

Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!

we really living in the the most difficult section of someone’s AP gov exam in 2053

I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.

January is the Mondayest month of the year