“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
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Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Punish millennials by making a Three’s Company reference and forcing them to Google it or talk to an elder.
Dear people filming disasters : You need to zoom out before running for your lives.
Nobody likes blurry footage, you selfish animals.
All of my best ideas involve jail time.
All we do is support you, all you ever do is complain about us!
-if bras could talk
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
why I oughta
Me: *opening can of worms
Husband: Where the hell did that come from?
Me: I can’t resist a sale.
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
? 💀
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
Hamburger Helper only works if the hamburger is ready to accept that it needs help.
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Why do porn sites have a share to Google+ option? I don’t want my friends knowing I use Google+
Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Last semester a student asked me why I hadn’t graded their paper.
I said the paper was flagged as having ChatGPT generated content & wasn’t sure how to proceed.
Student said they didn’t use ChatGPT; it must have been their friend who wrote the paper for them.
🫠
[Bomb will explode in 26 seconds]
*googles “how to defuse a bomb”*
*clicks top result*
*it’s a 17-page slideshow.*
GODDAMMIT
*an ad plays*
A fun thing to do is sign your kids up for a class they’re dying to take and then listen to them complain about it for the next 8 weeks.
Decided not to have kids after spending the weekend with my little niece who only wanted to eat the “inside of a pancake”
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
Genie: you still have 2 wishes left. you sure you don’t want to use them?
Me: [eating cheesecake] nope I’m good
Genie: alright then [disappears]
Me: [finishes cheesecake] oh no