Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I thought 2020 was just going to be a bunch of bad eyesight jokes but no it’s much worse

me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online

uber driver: oh cool me too

fly splatting on windscreen: same

Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro

Me: That guy is a bad apple.

6-year-old: He’s a person.

Me: I just meant he’s mean.

6: Probably because you called him an apple.

I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.

Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool

ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.

WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.

“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.

Me: *laughing in the face of danger*

Danger: *kills me*

fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms

To err is human
To purr is cat
To grr is dog
To brr is cold
To durr is dumb
To slur is drunk
To occur is when you realise this tweet is going nowhere

Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.

Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*

A 32-year-old man was arrested in England after allegedly stealing a semi-truck that contained 200,000 Cadbury Creme Eggs, police said.

I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.

Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife

talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak

When I share any information about my twenties with my kids, I preface it with “back when the dinosaurs were all still puppies,” and they just accept this.

me: I feel your pain

french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread

Age 10: I want to be a baseball player

Age 20: I want to be a writer

Age 30: I want to be happy

Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze

her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours

JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*

Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.

“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.

“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”

– Call Center Training

Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right

My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it