ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
You Might Also Like
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
CONCERT
AC/DC: Who’s ready to be Thunderstruck?
CROWD: *screams
ME: [from front row] IT’S IMPOSSIBLE TO BE STRUCK BY THUNDER!
Daughter: Do you think Freddie Mercury and Edgar Allen Poe would get along?
Me: Huh?
Daughter: Cuz he’s just a Poe boy from a Poe family.
Can’t. Busy deleting 1,500 Black Friday emails from companies I haven’t purchased anything from in 10 years.
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
A great tip. #CakeRex
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
My body treating me like we’re in a relationship by giving me weird little surprises even after 37 years.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Named my band Scheduled for Demolition so whenever it appears on a marquee, confused people write angry letters to the city council.
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
Saturday
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Me: Time heals all wounds.
Murderer: *stabbing me* Way to keep a positive attitude, but that’s probably inaccurate.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
hate the questions they ask you when you go through customs. “do you have any friends in canada” no bro and why are you rubbing it in
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
“Weight Watchers” because “Obesity Observers” was too cerebral.
My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
an app that shows you who NOT to date called ok stupid