ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
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Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
Pretty upsetting that gummy worms are actual size but gummy bears are not.
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
They say you are what you eat.
*opens a big bag of nuts
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
Watching the Hunger Games with my 9yo and she says, “Why can’t they just move to Canada where it’s peaceful?”
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
When people in movies get fired, they all have that one little box with a framed picture on top. You worked there for 17 years, why don’t you have more stuff?
*phone rings*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll leave a message.
*voicemail notification*
Meh, if it’s so important, they’ll text.
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
Shout out to all the animals that help Disney princesses get shit done.
[SEXTING]
ME: tell me what you likeHER: I really get off on exhibitionism
ME: OK, cool, weird that museums turn you on but cool
How to have sexy legs:
*Do lots of squats
*Go running 3x a week
*Point a spotlight at your favorite leg
*Shave leg hair into classy leg goatee
*Make sure your legs go all the way up
*You can never have too many toes
*Refrigerate legs when not in use
*Wheels
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
*Movie’s 10 second sex scene begins
My dad who’s been missing for 12 years: hey whatcha watchin’
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
Cereal box mascots would destroy sports team mascots in a fight and it wouldn’t even be close
Help! Has anybody seen a little boy with a corndog?
Stranger: He’s over there!
Oh thank God! [steals little boy’s corndog and runs away]
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Reasons Pluto is so cold:
3) It’s far from the sun
2) Its atmosphere is too thin to trap heat.
1) It found out we said it’s not a planet.
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
FREE IDEA: a tanning salon called “Turn Brown For What.”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
My special skill is making detailed shopping lists and leaving them at home when I go to the store.