ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
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I’m gonna call my mom 26 times today to tell her about all the nothing that I’m doing, just to even the score.
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
Tall people are my favourite because I can grab them by the torso and shake them like a tree
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Aww. This is sooo cute. My 12 pet shrimps have taken their shells off and are drinking from a bowl of cocktail sauOH MY GOD WHO DID THIS!?
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
Kid in park *crying* I don’t know where my mom’s gone to
Me: Oh no, that’s terrible!
Wife: Talk to him
Me: Hey kid *kneels* don’t end a sentence with a preposition
Cats are weird. They look at you like they want to set you on fire then look all surprised when you toss them into the ceiling fan.
Don’t try tell me how many months old your child is. I only recognize:
A. Potato phase
B. Shrieking pterodactyl phase
C. Tiny drunk person phase
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Hot chick in glasses: *giggle* look at me I’m a nerd!
Me in glasses: *giggle* look at me I have an astigmatism!
[sees fly]
Hmm… I think I’ll name this creature “Fly.”
[sees bird]
GODDAMMIT
Grocery store just charged me $0.10 to offset the environmental impact of my bag and then gave me a paper receipt 3 feet long.
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
My daughter is now a licensed driver and we had her go out to pick us up some dinner.
Y’all, it took 16 years, but I got my own Uber Eats driver now
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
when you want to feed salmon to your mouth AND forehead
People don’t know this but there’s no section in the criminal code that prohibits you from training pigeons to pick pocket tourists.
they gotta bring back House and make it about House again and it’s still House and he is the exact same character except he works at Home Depot in this one
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
me when somebody idk start touching me
Just cleaned out my desk.
Bad news: I apparently have 1,453 Sharpies and none of them are sharp.
Good news: I found the plane!
Be the person that gives out the full size candy bars, I said, and now I have 55 full size candy bars left in my house.
Star Wars VII: the force awakens
Star Wars VIII: the force goes out to play
Star Wars IX: goodnight force
My son’s kindergarten teacher wanted to chat with me today because my son told his class that his mom died… and came back to life!
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
Since when is a sweater vest not business casual?
Work is telling me I can’t wear them anymore unless I have a shirt underneath.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord