me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
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Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
Whenever my kid comes to me whining about something I always tell them daddy knows just how to help.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
If the number 666 is considered evil, then technically, 25.8069758 is the root of all evil.
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT
There is a football player named Drew Sample?
He missed his true calling of phlebotomy.
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
dinosaur: omg a meteor
t-rex clark kent: *desperately trying to remove his glasses with his tiny arms*
Some people will always secretly hope that you fail. Not me. I’ll outwardly hope that shit.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
As I walk through the valley of the Shadow of Death, I remind myself that you can’t always trust Google Maps.
my eco-conscious gang and i do a drive-by shooting from our Smart Car. the recoil from a single shot flips our car, we are arrested easily.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
today my wife said “guess who i saw in costco today?” then made me guess for like 10 min and when i didnt guess it was like “remember that super tan lady we saw walking down the street last week..” thats who she thought i might guess. a lady we dont even know that we saw one time
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
RIP Medusa you would’ve hated selfies.
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
Her: So, do you prefer showers to baths?
Me: I follow my heart…
Two companies that hate each other? Probably KIA and …Nokia
Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.
why am I working on Labor Day
BREAKING: North Dakota lawmakers decide life begins at conception, and then begins again the moment you’re old enough to leave North Dakota
lumberjacks will cut a birch